Melancholy.

That is how I am feeling today.
I was not going to post anything today……….because today is a sad anniversary for us.

We all have em’

But if I did not post anything…anything at all…then my Mom, who reads my blog daily would be worried.
(really, we don’t HAVE talk much anymore….she just reads the blog to see how we are. kidding. not kidding. kidding.)
Hi MOM.

Mark
9-17-1963—4-2-1990

Yes, my big brother Mark was JUST precious….well that is what I have been told my whole life…especially by my Grandma…she still goes on and on about him…
“mark was such a beautifullllll baby”
Apparently I was the ugly runt of the litter. You can’t sense any jealousy can you?????

Really, he was a beautiful boy…and a cute teen…and a handsome (albeit SILLY) young adult….

I do miss him so much. We did not get along as kids…he was annoying. Well, he would tell you I was the annoying one…but whatever.

I wish I could take back all the angry words…the petty arguments…all the kid stuff you do to each other.
I like to think he and I would get along well now…we were spending more time together as we got older and a bit more mature….we had a better connection prior to him getting sick.
I am sure he would get a kick out of my silly girls…my brother was a true clown!!!

This is always a really hard day for my Mom. She goes to his grave, like she does several times a year and puts out new flowers.
My Mom is so great, that she spruces up Marks neighbors too. I’m not sure, but perhaps that is from her years in real estate: “keep the neighborhood looking good” or just the fact that she is down-right SWEET.

But, do you know when the last time I visited my brother’s grave was?

The day of his funeral.

I just can’t bring myself to go there….19 years, and I still don’t want to go.

Granted, he is in a different state than I…12 hours away.

But I could have been there several times...I just can’t do it. I am weak

The Atlanta zoo 1989 with our hairy cousin

Give someone you love a big hug today or a quick hello on the phone …you don’t know what tomorrow will bring!

And for your viewing pleasure AND to make a big smile on all who reads this….especially my MOM…..

My favorite picture of my BROTHER:


Yes, my Mom dressed him as Mary Poppins for Halloween.
Right down to the purse. He was about 4…and I have to say, he nailed it !!!!

38 thoughts on “Melancholy.”

  1. Suzanne, I am so sorry for your mood today but can totally understand it. I\’ve lost both my parents now (they were both in their early 50\’s) and do not feel any desire to go to their graves. It brought back such bad memories for me when I did go. I felt guilty and neglectful if I didn\’t so I made myself and would feel horrible for weeks after that. It was like re-living the whole ordeal all over again. Finally, I have found peace with just remembering them everyday in my own way and no longer feel guilt about not going. Yes, I want them to have flowers left in their vases but I don\’t think they\’re going to stop loving me for not being the one who puts them there. Again, I\’m so sorry for your loss and I\’ll send extra hugs your way today! (((hugs)))

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  2. my dear friend… i love you. and i am praying for you today… for a peace-filled heart… for sweet memories that will make you smile… and for that little bit of extra strength you might need next time you are near the cemetery. because you, too, are strong. you are. really.

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  3. Ahhh…first time to your blog and I find such a sweet tribute to a much loved brother. You are so right that you never know what tomorrow will bring….and must take advantage of today. My son lost his best friend last month in a car accident…19 years old…how fresh this lesson is for us. The photo of your brother as Mary Poppins is just too cute! I bet he didn\’t like that picture when he was older!

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  4. Suz…I\’m so sorry! I know these days are hard. ugh. You know I have my \’days\’ too. Have one coming up as a matter of fact! I\’m sorry you can\’t visit his grave. I\’ve only visited my mother\’s once, so I understand what you mean. But I visit my son\’s a few times a year. I used to visit more often, but sometimes life swallows me up. But the love and care we have for them isn\’t measured in how many times you visit the cemetery, but in your heart! So you\’re good! : )

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  5. What a beautiful tribute, Suz. Please don\’t beat yourself up about not visiting his grave. You are remembering him in your own way. Don\’t let anyone else make you feel guilty for that either. One thing I learned while working in Funeral Service is that everyone grieves differently. Don\’t judge yourself or others. Let the feelings flow, remember the good times you had with him and live. I\’m sure he\’d want that.

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  6. {{{hugs}}} to you, my sweet friend. I can\’t even imagine what you\’re feeling today. And what your mom must feel is simply unfathomable. (is that even a word?) Sending you both much love…

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  7. I was sorry to learn about the loss of your brother. I can understand why you feel melancholy today, but you\’ve posted a beautiful tribute to your brother.

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  8. This brings tears to my eyes, Suz. You are NOT weak; a grave is not everyone's best place to commune with those who have gone ahead of us…we don't even have one for Katie, as you know…we have a park bench, instead. Graveyards make me sad, and I don't want to go there to reflect on Katie's life; I don't think she would like it, either. You may find a place that he loved to be a better place for you to \”be with\” him.Your brother sounds like he was a precious person, and he certainly was a beautiful child & young man. Your mom will always love him and miss him, because he will always be her son, just as he will always be your brother; nothing can take that away, not even his passing. I can feel your love for him, way out here, so I am pretty sure that he can feel your love for him, every single day. I think he understands all of it now.You are a sweet, dear daughter, sister, mother, wife and friend. God bless you on this difficult, painful day. {{{HUGS}}} to you & your mom.

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  9. Sweet darling friend…. sending love to you and your Mom today. There aren\’t really words, I know. Just accept my love, prayers, and \”cyber hugs\” from 12 hours away. Love you, sweetie.T.

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  10. Oh Suz, I am so sorry.. It\’s always so hard to lose someone you love–especially someone THAT young. What happened?My mother and father are both buried in the cemetery in my hometown in VA. I don\’t think of them as being there. The bodies may have been there, but their soul is in heaven. I feel as if I can communicate with them from anywhere I choose. Don\’t feel badly about not going to the cemetery… I know you are feeling \’down\’ and that\’s perfectly okay. But–you did write such a nice tribute to him today. Your Mom will appreciate it…Lots of hugs,Betsy

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  11. Oh Suz, I wish I were there to give you a hug. I\’m sorry you don\’t have your brother. If it helps, remember that you and your brother had the same blood running through your veins, and in giving birth to your silly, beautiful girls, you are contuining who you are, and of course, who you\’re brother \”is\”…that your daughters carry a part of him in them by virtue of you having been his sister. Give them both a big hug today as if you are hugging him, and I just know that he will feel that hug up in heaven. Your post made me tear up, and at the end, I cackled and guffawed with laughter…that Mary Poppins outfit is HYSTERICAL! I love your mom!

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  12. Suz,I\’m so sorry you lost your brother. I can\’t imagine what that\’s like. What a great tribute to him. I\’m sure it will make your Mom smile.The picture of Mark dressed as Mary Poppins is so funny. Your Mom was good!!Try not to beat yourself up for the petty arguments we have growing up as siblings. We all do that. My husband has never been to his father\’s grave either. It\’s right in the same town he grew up in. He just can\’t bear to go there. It doesn\’t mean you think of him less often. Everyone is different. Some people need a place to physically visit their loved ones. You visit Mark with your memories.Sending you many hugs today.Much love from NJ,SuexoxoHang in there.

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  13. dearest suz,i have always been uncomfortable at cemetaries, since i was a little girl and my family took me to my deceased relatives graves. i felt so claustrophic to even think about the coffin and it really scared me. i choose to believe my loved ones are in spirit form, and in where ever heaven turns out to be. i see them as whole, ageless, and vibrant. whatever tensions or \”misunderstandings\” we may of had in this world are gone on thier part as they can see the whole picture through angel\’s eyes now. and i don\’t feel guilty for wanting to remember them in a way that comforts me. so, when i have an anniversary such as today is for you, i look up, not down. and i talk to them as if they were next to me. just like i do to god. i hope you find a way to release any guilt you have for not going. your beautiful brother isnt there, look up in the clouds and the sky and stars and feel him in the wind… where he is one with god now. because god isnt underground. look up, honey, always up….i send you and your sweet mom hugs, even tho i cant deliver them in person. i will keep your family in my prayers today.love, chris xoxoxox

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  14. Everyone deals with grief in their own way. Your not visiting does not in any way make you weak. I don\’t know if this compares in any way but my ex has had a gfriend for three years now. As much as I don\’t want him back, I just cannot bring myself to meet her. Does it make me weak? NO, I have my reasons, reasons that are valid to me and that is the only thing that matters. Does it make me a bad mom, friend, person in general? No. Your choices are yours and that is all that matters. thinking of you today and I\’m so sorry for your loss

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  15. Soooo sad that he passed away at such a young age. My sister was just 46 and even that seems so unfair. Now I\’m going to go out on a limb here and say that the next time you are where his grave is, that you CONSIDER going.Some of my better connections with Wendy have taken place right there at her grave, and more the once I have sprawled out on it, crying No, No, No, I just don\’t want it to be true. That\’s always my first thought, even now.But I\’ve grown spiritually from those visits and I nearly always hear a song on the radio, coming or going to Mount Hope, and just have to smile because I know she\’s hovering.Love to you … and thanks for such a tender post.

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  16. (((BIG BLOGGY HUGS))) for you and your mom today. It\’s always difficult when someone is taken from us…..especially when it\’s before their time…You are not \”weak\” for NOT going to the grave. He is with you in spirit….wherever YOU are:) The most important thing is that you keep his memory alive. Thanks for sharing that with us.You realize that he\’s cursing you for the Mary Poppins picture, don\’t you! Your power may go out tonight….!

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  17. I would be sad today too. I was browsing through your old post and when I came upon a picture of your two daughters it was obvious that your older daughter looks very much like you. My eldest brother (I am the second oldest) and I were very close growing up and he moved to Orlando 22 years ago and I miss him a lot so, I can\’t even begin to imagine how much you miss your brother. My brother had 6 children 4 boys and 2 girls; he is a teacher and coaches baseball all year round……he was and still is just a big kid himself. Have a great weekend and don\’t kill yourself with the landscaping.

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  18. That picture in the Spock shirt…precious!It\’s not at the grave but in your heart….buy some flowers and set them on your table and celebrate your brother today!

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  19. (((((Suz)))) I read this post this morning but didn\’t have time to comment but I did keep you in my thoughts today. Sending you much love and hugs my friend, Lori

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  20. WHat a beautiful post, Suz. I stopped, before the great picture of Mary, and sent a text to each of my brothers. (It\’s too late to call them) There\’s no one else like a big brother. I\’m sorry you had to lose him. I really am sorry.

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  21. I\’m so, so sorry. Please, though, don\’t be too hard on yourself. Someone very dear to me passed away last September, and I\’m not sure I\’ll ever be able to visit his grave, either. We all grieve in our own way.

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  22. Oh, this is soooo sad… I had no idea you had a brother that passed away 😦 Indeed he was a charming lad and a very sweet looking man. I\’ll bet he watches over you now, every day of your life. (( hugs ))

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  23. OMG that last picture of him is just tragic! He looked like one of those kids you see in a horror movie, like The Shining or Children of the Corn. This post was so touching and sweet and then to get to that last picture made me gasp in horror! Wasn\’t prepared for that my friend! I\’m thinking of you and your mom and hoping you both feel peace in your heart as well as your brother\’s presence in the things that make you smile. That little froggy perhaps???Hugs to you and your family.

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  24. I am so sorry you lost your brother – and that I was not blogging that day to check in with you. I was talking to a patient of mine yesterday about visiting graves….funny that you mentioned it. My patient said it was very important for her generation to visit graves – it was an act of respect. I told her many people my age don\’t go – I think the reason is because we know that they aren\’t really there. In my mind it is silly to drive all over the state on Memorial Day to place flowers on a grave. My grandma would feel the complete opposite! I guess what I\’m saying is it is different for everyone – and you shouldn\’t feel guilty for not going. You are honoring him in other ways. (And that was a really sweet post! It makes me want to call everyone in my family and talk to them tonight!)

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  25. Hugs to you! I haven\’t visited your sight for a few days. You are such a good sister to honor your brother in such a great way. Keeping his memory alive is the best gift you can do for yourself and your Mom.xoxoxoxkel

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