The Jerky Girls reeled me in like a sucker fish.

I was at Marshall’s, and in the midst of looking for a new blouse that made me look 15lbs lighter, I overheard this conversation in the fitting room…..

The two youngish ladies come in after I was already in my stall.
One was next to me, the other was across the hall/aisle.

Girl #1: Oh my gosh…I love this. It makes my b**bs and belly look like perfection! Ayee!!
Girl #2 : Oh, cool. Hold on a minute, I need to finish getting this on and then I want to see.

Girl #2 enters #1’s stall: “Oh wow…that LOOKS great!” followed by a few sentences in spanish….then some spanish mixed with english.
All I could really understand were the words sh*t girlllll over and over.

Now, they are both in the same stall trying on different outfits.
#1 and #2 are giddy, laughing and cussing….mostly in spanish now, with a few english words thrown in for me.
I understand the english….it’s mostly cuss words with a lot of ‘oh my God’s’ mixed in.

The laughing, the sh*t girlllll and ‘oh my God’ing’ goes on for a few minutes.

This is where I start to pay attention:

#2 says to #1: Dang girl, YOU look really really good.

#1 Thanks! I’ve geen going to this place on The Boulevard! It’s super cheap and never crowded!

#2: wow….I need to go where you are going, because YOU have never looked hotter.

me thinking: Wow, she must be working out….sounds like she has some rock hard abs….I wonder WHAT gym she goes too. I want to see this girl when I get some clothes back on.

#1 and #2 keep up with the convo: Yeah, I feel really good…I try to go three nights a week….and four if I can really find the time! It’s only 9.99 a month!

Me thinking: Wow, that is really cheap for a gym membership and I live close to the Boulevard! 

#2 says to #1: Dang girl, you keep this up and you will look like Snookie!

Followed by laughter and more spanish/cussing.

Me thinking: What? Snookie? What? Did Snookie just lose a lot of weight and start working out? How did she stop drinking long enough to exercise safely? Is she working out with The Situation?

Then, it dawns on me….#1 has been going to a tanning salon.
Pulled me into this conversation, and it was about a tanning salon.
Stupid jerky tan girls!

I can’t wait to see them in 10 years when their faces has fallen off;  Sh*t girlllllllll.

PS. I did find a shirt that made me look thinner. Exactly .2 lbs thinner.
Aye caramba.

I’m not irrational.

I don’t even have a rash.
Yeah, I say stuff like that.

Yesterday, I was outside watering my plants and I came in with some news for Lindsay.

Hey, Linds, I just saw the teeniest tiniest little baby octopus on top of the pool cage!
Her: What?
Me: Oh, never mind, more than likely it was a spider. 
Her: This is why I think YOU are so weird. 

I’m not weird. I’m imaginative.

Seriously though, we must have a twelve million octopus spiders around our house.
Have I stressed to you all at least twelve million times how scared I am of spiders. I’d rather wrestle an octopus covered with baby oil in a canal surrounded by alligators than be in the vicinity of a spider.

But they are amongst us. Amongst ME.

 And they want to take my life more than anything else.


This morning in the fog, it was even more evident how they are here…and they are going to destroy my life with their little claws.

Mama, I think my eyes are getting old…I can’t see so clearly this morning. ~ Cocoa

 And fangs. I’ve seen fangs.

Our poor flood light, it din’t see the fangy clawy spiders coming. Can you believe the spiders ate the top of that poor palm tree?

Well, don’t believe that…it just died by itself. Old age I think. Or depression.

If they dare to step their little clawy/fangy selves into my garden, something will be burnt down.

A few months ago, our pest control guy (Captain Obvious) left me a note saying we had a spider problem….and to call if we wanted a spider treatment done on the yard/lanai. 

 I thought about it for 10 seconds, and did not call him.

 About 10 years ago, we were having a spider issue. Specifically a Black Widow issue. They were all over our lanai….making nests under chairs, tables, the kids jungle gym. Yeah, bad. 

So, we had our pest control guy come and do a spider treatment. 
He did a treatment like you would not believe.

Every plant/tree in the area was dead. 
Including our beloved mature ‘dropping key limes like it was nobodies business’ key lime tree.
The spiders were gone…but it cost us so much in landscaping. So, I am scared. 

Truthfully, I have not seen ANY spiders near these webs/nests. They are invisible, ninja and stealth-like. Lurking at me with their claws and fangs ready. Ready to take me down and make a nest in my hair, procreate in my ears….poop in my nostrils.

I’m a goner.

I’m going to update my will today.

Love to you all, it was nice knowing you.