Hi, my name is Suzanne and I live in Florida; aka the snake and alligator state.
We have plenty of snakes on our property. I’m ok with that as long as they keep their distance. Do they always comply? No, because they are rebels. I’m surprised by a snake at least once a day when I’m outside and judging by my flip flop tan, I’m outside a LOT. But you know what I realized, my outside is THEIR home. So, suck it up, buttercup.
One horrible time, a snake was confused and came INSIDE.THE.DAMN.HOUSE. I found him (a corn snake,not lethal, but still a snake)in our theater/billiard room. I went in for a bottle of wine and nearly shat myself. He was curled up under our wine rack and sadly Coach was out of town. It took some time, but I was able to coax him out with a broom and a few choice cuss words.
We frequently get snakes in our pool lanai area. I don’t know why they want to come in there except for the fact that it does look like an oasis. Sometimes I find babies in the pool skimmer. *sad face* Sometimes I find adult shed-skin in my rock garden area; are they merely using me as a changing room?
A few weeks ago I was slaving in the kitchen, I merely glanced through the glass doors and I saw a black snake (black racer-not lethal, but still a snake) coming under the screen door up towards my new rock area; I had planned on working/gardening in there the next day, so I did NOT want him lurking in there and surprising me. I decided to be proactive, I would shoo him back the way he came before he got in too far.
Y’all, this was a stubborn snake. See video evidence, I wasn’t trying to STONE him, I just wanted him to depart the way he entered.
{As I was editing this, it’s come to my attention that I talk to snakes, cows, dogs, caterpillars and butterflies. Just when IS the intervention planned?}
He wasn’t afraid of rocks or a sweet talking woman, so I got a broom, my snake removing tool of choice and he charged at it. I got the hose, sprayed him and he charged at it. I got the pool noodles, tossed them in his direction, he charged them and now he was pissed, so he hissed.
Then I looked more closely, do I know this snake? Is he the one I found fornicating on my porch a few weeks ago?
We did this noodle/hose/broom dance for 45 minutes. He’s not moved an inch back the way he came.
I kinda felt bad for him, because I’d about drowned him with the hose, but I was also annoyed at his stubbornness. Finally, I said: FINE, it’s YOUR lanai, I’m selling the place and starting over!
*crickets*
I left both screen doors ajar and hoped he would move on.
—-Cut to this week—-
I had been working in the yard and I was a hawt mess. I said to myself: Suz, put on your bathing suit, cool off in the pool and get some exercise too.
I love it when I give myself advice and I actually take it.
Dig if you will the picture: (Prince!) I’m in the pool doing my water aerobics, pool jogging, treading water, solo synchonized swimming, what.are.you.doing.Suz and for second I closed my eyes, was in deep thought when I felt something touch my leg.
THE HELL?
I opened my eyes to see something black below me, I shrieked, panicked and started to move towards the steps and my phone so I could call 911. This deems as an emergency, right? Wait, is a social worker equipped for this?
Anyhoo….it took a minute for me to figure out, it wasn’t a snake after all.
The fake snake was actually my sunglasses that had fallen off my ball cap, tapped my leg and then landed on the pool floor.
To quote the Kinks: PARANOIA< DEEP<DESTROYA
Were you freaking out that I might have been attacked by an anaconda? I almost soiled my bikini bottom over a pair of costa del mars.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll continue to say it: I exhaust myself and crack myself up at the same time; I’m all the entertainment I need.
Busy Bee Suz 
I have a deep-seated phobia of snakes, so I did NOT watch your videos. At our lakehouse, we occasionally get blacksnakes/watersnakes sunning themselves on our shoreline. I once summoned up some Courage and grabbed a hatchet to go after one. Pretty quickly, I started feeling faint and saw stars and eventually, darkness. That was the last time I went after a snake. You are eleventy times braver than me.
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Oh my goodness; you’d never survive in my yard.
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This post cracked me up! I am not scared of snakes but I have a friend who is so petrified of snaked she would not have lived through reading this post! It’s so funny about your sunglasses! You still had the creepy crawlies!
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I always get the creepy crawlies….especially if I’m in the ocean. I just know a fish/snake is gonna get me.
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It says “unknown error” on both videos which I can only imagine is God’s way of saying, “don’t watch the videos, Kari” because I am so afraid of snakes. There is a reason I couldn’t live in Florida. Me just randomly running into snakes in my yard is something I could not bear. You are a saint. Your butterflies are lucky to have you.
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Hmmmm….I can see them fine. Not sure what the issue is. But, maybe it’s better for you to not witness my snake incidents. Just know I’m superhuman. LOL!!
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I saw the videos and I have made a nite to myself that no matter how bad the Chicago winters are and how bad I wanna be Suz’s neighbor, Florida is off the list as possible locations to ever move to.
The sunglasses trick was hilarious and I think I speak for everyone when I say I SOOOO wish their was video of your freak out followed by your laughter. You are a funny one.
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Now that it’s too late, I could have looked at the footage from our outdoor cameras. Oh, snap-you’ll just have to use your imagination.
YOU KNOW I’D BE AN EXCELLENT NEIGHBOR. Did you hear me yelling? Snakes or not, nothing like your Maryann.
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Not overly fond of snakes. I like your video very much. Your intrepid homeowner spirit is inspiring, not all that effective, but made me laugh. I like how you calmly explained what you wanted the snake to do whilst aggressively hurtling a stone at him. I think that’s what they call a mixed message.
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I’m famous for my mixed messages, just ask my husband.
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Oh good grief, this was hilarious! Love the videos. I have seen three really long, fat black snakes in our yard. They move SO fast and just creep me out. My water hose usually moves them along.
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They are slithery and suspicious for sure.
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I don’t like snakes much, and we have them in the yard here and there, in rural central NY state. They’re not poisonous, but I don’t like when they slither by and scare me, no sir. Our Lab loves to get them, if you say SNAKE, she’ll go crazy looking for one. We did see a very deadly water snake in the Adirondacks once, swimming by in the lake with it’s head above the water, ugh. I didn’t go back into THAT lake. Your sunnies hitting your leg: at least you didn’t just stomp on that “snake”. Oh dear.
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Funny about your doggie!
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I cannot abide snakes! I’ve seen one or two in our yard when yanking out all the dreadful (snake-hiding) blackberry bushes and that was that for gardening on those days. Then The Husband admitted that he saw one slithering into the (hated) juniper in our yard…needless to say that juniper is overrun with weeds because I WILL NOT go in there and am currently figuring out the best, low-cost option for removing the juniper. Odds are good, I’ll either have to set fire to it or sell this house.
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This post gave me more laughs than I’ve had for a long time, but I’m still not ready top move to Florida. I’ll stay here in the mountains with the bears.
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Oh no, no no.. not a fan of snakes. Good snakes bad snakes they are all snakes to me!!! We see them every so often around here also. I’ve seen little garden snakes slithering around my yard… The cats brought one in the house not long ago – minus the head. No thanks. That’s more than enough for me. Glad it wasn’t a snake taking a swim with you!!
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Cats are so generous, aren’t they?
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One thing about living in Canada, we just don’t have snakes! You’re a brave woman.
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LMAO over your fake snake! Glad it turned out to be a false alarm. By the way, I lived in Hawaii for nine years, and had to train myself not to call a porch a lanai because people never knew what I was talking about. Obviously it’s a tropical word!
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Not fake at all. REAL. But harmless.
So many names for an outdoor room depending on the location of said outdoor room. Porch, patio, lanai, veranda, deck…it’s endless.
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