The One Where I {should} Finally Get A Network TV Show

Tuesday evening I was in the backyard with the pups and they were doing what pups do and I was doing what I do; checking out my plants, caterpillars and having gentle conversations with butterflies passing me by. (I feel the need to tell each one how beautiful they are; I can’t help it) I noticed an old, withered monarch sitting in the grass. They don’t usually hang out in the grass, so I picked her up and put her on a salvia bloom safely out of Lillies mouth reach. I immediately recognized her as I’ve seen her flitting about my various garden areas over the past few days; she was recognizable by her one partial and almost see-through wings. She has seen some days and lots of weather. Monarchs here generally live 2-6 weeks and I’d say she’s seen close to six weeks from the looks of her.

I decided she might need a little help in the food department and who can turn down a juicy tangerine? No one, that’s who.

You can see her proboscis reaching out for nectar; this is the little tube they ingest their food from. I squeezed the tangerine to make more juice for her; this is the equivalent of a bartender filling up my wine glass. MORE, please.

Honestly, we don’t hear that many planes over our house so I can only assume that was the Discovery Channel or Nat Geo coming in close for a story.

*Still waiting for them to make an offer I can’t refuse contact*

I saw her a few times on Wednesday as well; still flying, eating, acting as she should.

On Thursday morning we found her again in the grass and moved her onto a plant for some nutrients. She’s missing a bit more of her wing but seems to be in good spirits. I mean, if she was in bad spirits she was disguising it. One thing I’ve noticed over the last few days was that the males were still coming in hot for her. Just goes to show you, Cougars also have a commodity in nature.

Meow.

I’ve thought about bringing her in and placing her in a mesh cage to keep her safe and happily fed, but decided she was meant to be out there, doing her thing for the rest of her days.


I do have one monarch that I’ve had in captivity for almost 3 weeks. Don’t get all crazy and call PETA this one has a virus (using layman terms here) that is very contagious to all the caterpillars/plants/butterflies in the gardens, so it was either keep her away from the others or go all Jack Kevorkian (freezer) on her.

Suz: making life & death decisions on the daily.

Happy Friday my sweet friends. Wishing you all a peaceful (easy feeling) weekend doing something that doesn’t require life & death decisions, but if you have to: CHOOSE LIFE.

Now leave a note or I’ll put you in the freezer with the others.

XOXO

In The Garden With Suz; Just A Pinch Of Murder, But A Lot Of Organic.

My friends who reside in the cold tundra will be surprised to know that January, February, and March are some of my best gardening months way down here in SW Florida. The air is cooler and the sun doesn’t feel like hellfire.

The bees can’t get enough of the purple salvia and I can’t get enough of watching them buzz around the blooms.

My giant milkweed plant is being devoured by Monarch Caterpillars and that is a sight that always delights me.

Can you see all the little cuties?

I also have lots of potted herbs, tomatoes, herbs, sweet peppers, and herbs. Did I mention I have lots of herbs? Also, I tried my hand at some orange tomatoes this year. I’m sure there is a ‘real’ name for them, but let’s just call them orange tomatoes with a third nipple. Or first nose? What in the organic hell is happening out there?

I don’t use any fertilizer or pesticides. Which is sometimes an issue….I have some nasty weevil bugs that are eating my three citrus trees. When I googled how to rid them, the only answer was to spray pesticides on them. WHAT THE HELL? On my citrus? If you recall, we planted the citrus FOR the giant swallowtail butterflies. There is no way in hell I’m spraying those trees. Plus the lemons & limes they have been gifting us nonstop is amazing, I never knew how much I used citrus while cooking. I ALMOST feel like Ina Garten running out there collecting my citrus and herbs for a meal. Aren’t chicken nuggets better with a squeeze of lime and a dash of sage?

One of my Giants from 2020; see some good shit did happen.
See what the little turds have been doing?

So, what do I do? I go out once a day wearing ONE glove because I’m the Michael Jackson of my ‘hood. (Not in the molesty way though) and I hunt down the bugs and squish as many of them as I can find/reach.

The culprit is about to be murdered by Suzanne/Michael Jackson.

Let me tell you, it’s down right satisfying. Even MORE fun? When I find two bugs fornicating and I SMASH two at once. I can’t share pics of that because it’s rated R and even more R for the murdering part. I’m saving that for a Quinten Tarantino Film.

So, if you happen to drive by our home and hear strange sounds out back, it’s just me conversing with caterpillars & butterflies, picking weird tomatoes, or murdering citrus eating bugs. Pay nooooo attention and refrain from calling the authorities. Please.

So, anything growing in your home OR yard. How about your refrigerator? You know, we always called those ‘science experiments’. I still have part of a Tiramisu cake from Christmas Eve that I keep forgetting to remove from the garage fridge on garbage day. *sigh* It still looks exactly the same….I’m guessing it’s NOT organic.

XOXO

Snakes on a plane? How about snakes in my pool?

Hi, my name is Suzanne and I live in Florida; aka the snake and alligator state.

We have plenty of snakes on our property. I’m ok with that as long as they keep their distance. Do they always comply? No, because they are rebels. I’m surprised by a snake at least once a day when I’m outside and judging by my flip flop tan, I’m outside a LOT. But you know what I realized, my outside is THEIR home. So, suck it up, buttercup.

One horrible time, a snake was confused and came INSIDE.THE.DAMN.HOUSE. I found him (a corn snake,not lethal, but still a snake)in our theater/billiard room. I went in for a bottle of wine and nearly shat myself. He was curled up under our wine rack and sadly Coach was out of town. It took some time, but I was able to coax him out with a broom and a few choice cuss words.

We frequently get snakes in our pool lanai area. I don’t know why they want to come in there except for the fact that it does look like an oasis. Sometimes I find babies in the pool skimmer. *sad face* Sometimes I find adult shed-skin in my rock garden area; are they merely using me as a changing room?

A few weeks ago I was slaving in the kitchen, I merely glanced through the glass doors and I saw a black snake (black racer-not lethal, but still a snake) coming under the screen door up towards my new rock area; I had planned on working/gardening in there the next day, so I did NOT want him lurking in there and surprising me. I decided to be proactive, I would shoo him back the way he came before he got in too far.

Y’all, this was a stubborn snake. See video evidence, I wasn’t trying to STONE him, I just wanted him to depart the way he entered.

{As I was editing this, it’s come to my attention that I talk to snakes, cows, dogs, caterpillars and butterflies. Just when IS the intervention planned?}

He wasn’t afraid of rocks or a sweet talking woman, so I got a broom, my snake removing tool of choice and he charged at it. I got the hose, sprayed him and he charged at it. I got the pool noodles, tossed them in his direction, he charged them and now he was pissed, so he hissed.

Then I looked more closely, do I know this snake? Is he the one I found fornicating on my porch a few weeks ago?

We did this noodle/hose/broom dance for 45 minutes. He’s not moved an inch back the way he came.

I kinda felt bad for him, because I’d about drowned him with the hose, but I was also annoyed at his stubbornness. Finally, I said: FINE, it’s YOUR lanai, I’m selling the place and starting over!

*crickets*

I left both screen doors ajar and hoped he would move on.

—-Cut to this week—-

I had been working in the yard and I was a hawt mess. I said to myself: Suz, put on your bathing suit, cool off in the pool and get some exercise too.

I love it when I give myself advice and I actually take it.

Dig if you will the picture: (Prince!) I’m in the pool doing my water aerobics, pool jogging, treading water, solo synchonized swimming, what.are.you.doing.Suz and for second I closed my eyes, was in deep thought when I felt something touch my leg.

THE HELL?

I opened my eyes to see something black below me, I shrieked, panicked and started to move towards the steps and my phone so I could call 911. This deems as an emergency, right? Wait, is a social worker equipped for this?

Anyhoo….it took a minute for me to figure out, it wasn’t a snake after all.

The fake snake was actually my sunglasses that had fallen off my ball cap, tapped my leg and then landed on the pool floor.

To quote the Kinks: PARANOIA< DEEP<DESTROYA

Were you freaking out that I might have been attacked by an anaconda? I almost soiled my bikini bottom over a pair of costa del mars.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll continue to say it: I exhaust myself and crack myself up at the same time; I’m all the entertainment I need.