Fake It Until You Make It: A Good Motto For Every{damn}thing This Year.

It took me a minute to get into the Christmas spirit this year, but it finally happened. Well, kinda. I put up one tree (usually there are 2) and threw some ornaments in a bowl, wrapped some gifts (spoiler alert: fewer gifts this year), and put on my Pandora Christmas music station.

I’ve watched Elf and Christmas Family Vacation (my two favorite Christmas movies) and I drank three gallons of egg nog.

“Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?” -Clark Griswold.

Kidding. I’ve not had any egg nog this year. Or in the past 10 years.

I DO have a few favorite Christmas songs if you care to know.

I’m digging this new (to me) song by Kacey Musgraves. “me without you is like a present without a bow”

*Suz runs to add bows to all gifts under the tree.*

Have you heard of Whamageddon?

This is strange phenomenon of people who INTENTIONALLY do not want to hear Whams’ Last Christmas, which is one of the all-time best Christmas songs. What kind of animals are running around in our society?

George Michael; *sigh* what a beautiful human he was. So, in this horrible for humanity idea, whamageddon means you have to avoid hearing the original version of Last Christmas from 12/1-12/24. If you hear the song, you’re out!

So, if you were trying to avoid this song and you saw/heard it here: Merry Christmas, I WIN! I think.

I’m NOT a huge Mariah fan (even though we danced to one of her songs for our ‘first dance’, we were young and silly) But THIS song always makes me want to shake my booty, Judy.

Judy is one of my MIL’s and I love her. And I love to dance and pretend that someone nicer sang this song. BTW: This is named the #1 Christmas song according to Billboard’s top 10. Couldn’t have happened to a less nice person.

And for my nostalgic moments, The Carpenters. Oh, I loved their music when I was trying to grow up. My Mom had their album and I listened to it over and over. Ok, I still sing my heart out as if I’m Karen while listening to the 70’s channel in my car. Call Morgan & Morgan and sue my silly self.

And for my most favorite, sad, heart-wrenching Christmas song: River, originally sung by Joni Mitchell, but I love this version by Sarah McLachlan who took a minute off from making us cry about sad and abused animals to sing this song. Well played Sarah, well played.

This is probably my last post for a while because I’m so depressed about abused animals, Karen Carpenter, and people who want to avoid Wham. And guess what? MY CARDS STILL HAVE NOT ARRIVED. *raises both fists at the post office*

Do you have any favorite Christmas songs? Are you a purist who enjoys the original version of the ‘oldies, but goodies‘ or are you a RUN DMC Christmas in Hollis type of person?

If I don’t see you this week, I’m sending you a warm Merry Christmas hug free of germs and heavy on love.

XOXO

Shanking the USPS, Scarring Children & Giggles

I thought I didn’t have anything to blog about after all my Christmas from the past posts. Can you imagine? Me, running out of things to say? Well, I will say that I’m annoyed that my Cards from Shutterfly were supposed to be here last Friday, then Saturday, then Monday, then Tuesday, then Wednesday….wait, you see where this is going. I’ve never sent my cards out so late.

Is there going to be a penalty? Will my name be on a naughty list? Will Christmas be cancelled?


My friend Ernie turned me onto this silly little video clip and I watched it no less than 5 times and laughed hysterically each time before sending it on to my girls.

What is wrong with me for laughing? Don’t answer because you have a glimmer after reading the last few Suz’s childhood posts.

Way back in the day when both of the girls were still living at home, I had to constantly remind them to do.the.things.I.wanted.them.to.do. Of course, those things were not important to them, but in this house, I like things to be tidy. put away. out of sight. I stopped doing their laundry when they started high school because I know for a fact that there were times someone would try on an outfit, a minute later decide to NOT wear said outfit and toss it into the hamper. This is why some Mothers empty the bank account, flee to Vegas and live a solitary life. I know you’ve thought about it too.

So, laundry. There was a day (probably more like 400 days) that someone left their clothes in either the washer or dryer and I was needing to do laundry because I essentially do laundry every.single.day or the world might go up in flames. I was getting annoyed because I reminded the offender at least once, but it felt more like 20 times on this particular occasion to move.their.freaking.laundry to the next step. I walked into the family room and said offender(s) were on the Coach watching tv; I’d hit my limit. I said shouted sternly with bugged eyes staring at them “L A U N–D R Y!” Boy, oh boy, feet were moving and the faces were a bit frightened by my tone and scary expression.

To this day, when we’re together one of us will just chime in with LAUNDRY! if things are not going how I want them to go.

We have a few videos that we love to quote/mimic. Have you seen Ava? I’m 16, I’m a Grandmotha!

One of our favorite lines too is How About Cupcakes? I recall showing this one to my Mom and it was one of her favorite lines when I was taking care of her while she was sick.

I quote her at least once a week with How ’bout Cupcakes? But, I rarely eat cupcakes, so I should come up with something else. “How ’bout Wine?”

You know when you’re having a conversation with someone and they just stare at you blankly and say nothing? That’s what it feels like when you visit, but don’t comment. It makes you look silly, not that I can see you.

My dear fellow weirdlings, please leave me a comment with a link or a description of your favorite video clip or line that you use around your people. Think of it as a Christmas gift to Suz.

XOXO

It’s A Miracle We Even Survived; Christmas 70’s Style.

I originally wrote and shared this post in 2010. I was thinking about this post when I wrote the Santa one this past week, (and then my second Santa post!) then my friend Kari found and read it while looking for info on my brother Mark (but not in that stalker-ey way) so I’m re-blogging it because frankly, it cracked ME up and I wrote it. I recall that when I shared this, my Mom died laughing too. Just to be clear, The cancer killed her, not my witty-as-hell blog post.


My Brother and I certainly were not spoiled or even overly-attended-to children. I can’t say we were abused or neglected. But maybe there’s a version of that: Neglect Light? Unattended But Loved? Raise Yourselves, I’m tired? But it all changed when Christmas came. Along with Santa, came my Grandparents {my Dad’s parents} they loaded up their car in Miami with as many games & toys as they could fit in their trunk and back seat and spent each Christmas with Mark and I. Mind you, my parents were divorced and they chose to spend Christmas with my Mom, their ex daughter in law; they adored my Mom, Mark (of course Mark!) & I. Those few days of attention and fun were what we craved terribly.

One year I recall them opening the trunk and all I saw were two huge plastic garbage cans with lids on them. They were so clever, they knew my Mom needed new cans and inside them were all of our wrapped gifts. That takes Oscar the Grouch to another level.


My very first Christmas. I looked a little scared, but I had no idea what was to come in the future. I should have climbed back into Beverly’s lady kitchen and hunkered down because these people might be insane. And in case you’re wondering, no, we didn’t want ANY ONE else to have tinsel, we we took it all.


I must have been around 4 here. G’ma is trying to help Mark and I find our way through the bazillion gifts; I am lost, confused, and beginning to go into shock.  It looks like 12 kids live here. Also, being a NOT spoiled child, I was gifted a rescue siamese kitten this year, she’s on the rocking chair. Chrissy; oh I adored her. She was my constant companion until her untimely death 7 years later. We really can’t have nice things.

X

Please note the fire safety hazards: The brown electric heater in front of the fireplace loaded with paper, a bottle of whisky and the ashtray filled to high heaven on the coffee table. I’m certain there was a can of gas lurking under the couch. 


Mark and I Christmas Eve {Suz 6?} That is my G’pa in the background; gosh, I loved him so much. I bet you a million dollars he was playing solitaire and smoking cigarettes in one of those weird filter thingys.

Christmas Mark and Suz

Now, look at that tree above again. Is it just me or does it look like Helen Keller was in charge of the garland application?

Christmas morning: Mark has bed head and I look perfect. Probably because I didn’t sleep all night; when the adults were knee deep into the rum balls I found a liter of coke in the kitchen and consumed it. The liquid soda! I didn’t do real coke until 4th grade. KIDDING. I’m holding my doll Cindy.  Right now Cindy is in my hall closet wearing a one-shoulder nightgown and suffering from a severely bad haircut, thanks to my Brother. Pogo Sticks: because breaking your ankles should be more action packed. Check out the typewriter on the floor, it had windows 5.

Christmas Mark and Suz 2


When I got older, there were fewer gifts. Heck, I was not even allowed to open this ONE gift without performing first. I look traumatized, whose idea was this? BTW: This was in the haunted AF townhouse.

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I am guessing this is a wrapped bottle of Jim Beam.  Thanks Mom.

My how times have changed. There is no smoking, electric heaters or tinsel at our house, but my girls will each get a box of wine this year along with bedazzled/personalized shanks.

Ok, maybe it has not changed that much.

xoxo