Pat, I’d Like To Buy That Man A Beer And A Vowel.

This is a short & sweet post. I have a real post set for tomorrow (or the next day) as tomorrow is a momentous occasion. What? Your calendar is blank for tomorrow?

On Saturday, the Coach and I had a very romantic afternoon. We went to the hardware store; we purchased some lumber for the new deck gates that will necessitate me not having to chase dogs who are chasing squirrels.

I’m sure you all were gasping when you read LUMBER. *wood=$$=swoon*

Afterwards I suggested we do something fun because when we’re UP HERE, we tend to do a lot of house stuff.

Me: “I always see signs for GA breweries and wineries; let’s hit a brewery today.”

If you know me, you know I don’t drink beer. I mean, I used to drink beer, but now I’m a wino. You know what they never have at breweries? Wine.

First LUMBER, then BEER! I should be rewarded.

Coach ordered the ‘lightest’ beer for me and it tasted just like a Corona even though it was made in GA. If I were on a deserted island and could only drink beer, that would be my flavor choice.

But hello, I’m not volunteering to visit THAT island.

Anyhoo, there was a TV that was showing Wheel Of Fortune. We were trying to figure out the puzzle answers while also contemplating the life choices of one male contestant who had the worst hairstyle I’ve ever seen on a human.

Coach says: Are those people still alive? Referring to Vanna & Pat.

I looked at him sideways, thinking he didn’t just say what he said, then wondered if his beer had more alcohol in it than mine.

Yes, this is a current show. They are alive and well.

He’s so pretty. Thank God he has me to keep him in line with important current events such as the living/dying status of game show hosts.

Happy Monday y’all. Anyone else enjoy some hops this weekend?

XO

I Won’t Be Guilty Of Overwhelming My Innards & Just How Many Kids Do You Have?

Are we ever tired of looking at butterfly photos? The correct answer is no. Female Black Swallowtail; She looks like a work of art to me.

I’m a supplement whore

I take the bulk of my vitamins and supplements in the morning. However, I’m not one to ingest them all in one big gulp {gag} like someone who is very close to me does.

I take one to two at at time over a 30-45 minute period. How my brain works: Taking all of my vitamins at once might confuse my body, so I spread the process out over the early part of the day.

This next part really has nothing to do with that, but:

I noted after a conversation with Lolo a few months ago, that she might have something similar going on in her brain. She didn’t mail ALL of her Save The Date wedding notices at once, but instead spread them out to about a dozen a day over a 3-4 day time frame. I can only assume she didn’t want to overwhelm the post office.

OR she just didn’t address them all at once. I didn’t ask.

BTW: Several of her ‘save the dates’ never made it to their destination. Post office be damned.

Which makes me wonder if my vitamins are actually making it to where they need to be or if they’re in limbo; perhaps hanging out in my esophagus or trapped behind a lung, confused as hell.

The Bumper Sticker(s)

Recently, I was behind a car that had two cute bumper stickers; I’ve blogged before about how I don’t fully comprehend the allure of bumper stickers, but these were giggle worthy. 

One sticker said: Grocery Gettin’ Loser Cruiser. 

It took me a minute, but then I gathered that this person had a life similar to many of us; their biggest outings were to the grocery store.

And the other bumper sticker read: Honk if a kid falls out. 

That one was pure gold.

I really wanted to catch up with her at a light and let her know she made my day, sadly the traffic didn’t care about me trying to give compliments and effed up my opportunity.


Well, that’s all the head scratching entertainment I have for you this week. I’m not even going to bitch about mention the gas hoarders and the fact that they almost ruined my road trip yesterday from FL to GA .

Anyone else worried about confusing their insides? Bueller. Bueller?

XOXO

Learning New Words And Trying To Survive Normal Human Functions

I want to give a big hug, fist pump and possibly do the Carlton with each of you that wished our Lolo well in her next endeavor. People who encourage others are the bomb. I appreciate your kindness and I’m sure she read each comment.

SAY WHAT?

I really wanted to blog about something important or interesting today, but I didn’t have time to get my act together. And also, I don’t usually do important.

But I did remember that I wanted to let you know I learned a new (to me) word this past week and I almost died on Wednesday AND since that wasn’t exiting enough, I tried to do it again on Thursday. The dying part, not the new word.

See. I’ve been busy.

Last week while in GA I went to look at a potential home for my Aunt and Uncle; they’ve been on the hunt since AUGUST. I’m not kidding when I say a house can be listed and three to four offers come in the same damn day. They’re having a tough time; they’re not the only ones trying to flee the insanity of our world to a safer haven.

The house was newly listed (nine minutes from us!) and they appreciate my input. If you’ve ever been in a room with me while HGTV is on, you’d know that I have a lot to say. If criticizing peoples homes on TV was a sport, I’d have a Gold Medal and lots of endorsement deals.

It was a nice home. Not perfect, but it had potential. It was clean and you can tell it was well taken care of which is not always the case.

Things that AT and I could not get over were the amount of LARGE pieces of furniture, LARGE gilded gold framed artwork and Dead Animals.

I mean, you often see lots of art work. And occasionally dead animals; these homeowners liked both.

Any spot that could fit a piece of art, had a piece of art. Over the pantry door, IN THE LAUNDRY ROOM, over the closet doors. I’m not exaggerating; very ornate shit.

AT and I were looking around, she was standing behind me, both of us trying to digest the decor. I said something along the lines of it’s A LOT, isn’t it?

AT: yes, very Incongruent.

My head spun around like Linda Blair, Exorcist style. WHAT!?

She repeated herself and I let her know that I have never.heard.that.word.

Was I living under a dictionary rock?

I was thinking it was a contradictory decor style; turns out we meant the same thing.

I learned a new word and the whiplash has mostly subsided.

Finally we both decided to give them a pass; maybe they were going for that European Hunting Mansion look. Not sure why, but they were committed to it.

Indeed the homeowners wouldn’t find it to be incongruent at all.

I used IT IN A SENTENCE! Where the hell is my gold ribbon?

BTW: Lolo knew the word; probably learned it when she was seven reading encyclopedias in bed after I read her Winnie the Pooh.

Food Will Kill Me

Wednesday I was on the phone with my Aunt Trisha, discussing the incongruent house and other important things. I was eating a salad at the time and a murderous sliver of onion slid down my throat mid sentence; my throat WANTED to choke, but I held back because it’s rude to do that while on the phone.

I was trying hard to ignore the fact that my throat was struggling to take in air by continuing on with the conversation, but after half a minute I couldn’t fake the fact that I was dying.

I gave up and proceeded to cough for a moment or seventeen.

AT asked if I was ok.

Yes. Choke. Cough. Choke. Ye…Choke…Cough…Yesss.

I just hate the fact that I’ll probably die from eating a salad at my countertop and not something exciting like enjoying puffer fish sushi off the coast of Belize in a 590ft fully staffed yacht.

Kidding. I don’t like sushi.

THE NEXT DAY I was snacking on some grapes. As usual I was multitasking; cleaning and snacking. I bit into a grape, the juice went DOWN my life-breath-throat hole and I started to choke.

For a good minute or so, I choked, coughed and cussed. The dogs were looking at me like I might die BEFORE they got their dinner and that could pose a problem.

WTH

This furthered the argument that I should only consume grapes that have been fermented; I have NEVER choked on wine.

Should I stop eating while alone? Is it time for a life alert?

If I never post again, you can assume I’ve died from a slice of apple and know full well the ‘Old Apple A Day’ adage was a bunch of BS.

I know I have some super smart blogging friends, but if ONE of you can say you didn’t know what congruent or incongruent were, I’ll share my endorsement money with you and we’ll have wine sans grapes!

Also, choking is only funny if you survive. It’s pretty damn scary. Have you choked this week?

XOXO