I want to give a big hug, fist pump and possibly do the Carlton with each of you that wished our Lolo well in her next endeavor. People who encourage others are the bomb. I appreciate your kindness and I’m sure she read each comment.

SAY WHAT?

I really wanted to blog about something important or interesting today, but I didn’t have time to get my act together. And also, I don’t usually do important.

But I did remember that I wanted to let you know I learned a new (to me) word this past week and I almost died on Wednesday AND since that wasn’t exiting enough, I tried to do it again on Thursday. The dying part, not the new word.

See. I’ve been busy.

Last week while in GA I went to look at a potential home for my Aunt and Uncle; they’ve been on the hunt since AUGUST. I’m not kidding when I say a house can be listed and three to four offers come in the same damn day. They’re having a tough time; they’re not the only ones trying to flee the insanity of our world to a safer haven.

The house was newly listed (nine minutes from us!) and they appreciate my input. If you’ve ever been in a room with me while HGTV is on, you’d know that I have a lot to say. If criticizing peoples homes on TV was a sport, I’d have a Gold Medal and lots of endorsement deals.

It was a nice home. Not perfect, but it had potential. It was clean and you can tell it was well taken care of which is not always the case.

Things that AT and I could not get over were the amount of LARGE pieces of furniture, LARGE gilded gold framed artwork and Dead Animals.

I mean, you often see lots of art work. And occasionally dead animals; these homeowners liked both.

• 

• 

Any spot that could fit a piece of art, had a piece of art. Over the pantry door, IN THE LAUNDRY ROOM, over the closet doors. I’m not exaggerating; very ornate shit.

AT and I were looking around, she was standing behind me, both of us trying to digest the decor. I said something along the lines of it’s A LOT, isn’t it?

AT: yes, very Incongruent.

My head spun around like Linda Blair, Exorcist style. WHAT!?

She repeated herself and I let her know that I have never.heard.that.word.

Was I living under a dictionary rock?

I was thinking it was a contradictory decor style; turns out we meant the same thing.

I learned a new word and the whiplash has mostly subsided.

Finally we both decided to give them a pass; maybe they were going for that European Hunting Mansion look. Not sure why, but they were committed to it.

Indeed the homeowners wouldn’t find it to be incongruent at all.

I used IT IN A SENTENCE! Where the hell is my gold ribbon?

BTW: Lolo knew the word; probably learned it when she was seven reading encyclopedias in bed after I read her Winnie the Pooh.

Food Will Kill Me

Wednesday I was on the phone with my Aunt Trisha, discussing the incongruent house and other important things. I was eating a salad at the time and a murderous sliver of onion slid down my throat mid sentence; my throat WANTED to choke, but I held back because it’s rude to do that while on the phone.

I was trying hard to ignore the fact that my throat was struggling to take in air by continuing on with the conversation, but after half a minute I couldn’t fake the fact that I was dying.

I gave up and proceeded to cough for a moment or seventeen.

AT asked if I was ok.

Yes. Choke. Cough. Choke. Ye…Choke…Cough…Yesss.

I just hate the fact that I’ll probably die from eating a salad at my countertop and not something exciting like enjoying puffer fish sushi off the coast of Belize in a 590ft fully staffed yacht.

Kidding. I don’t like sushi.

THE NEXT DAY I was snacking on some grapes. As usual I was multitasking; cleaning and snacking. I bit into a grape, the juice went DOWN my life-breath-throat hole and I started to choke.

For a good minute or so, I choked, coughed and cussed. The dogs were looking at me like I might die BEFORE they got their dinner and that could pose a problem.

WTH

This furthered the argument that I should only consume grapes that have been fermented; I have NEVER choked on wine.

Should I stop eating while alone? Is it time for a life alert?

If I never post again, you can assume I’ve died from a slice of apple and know full well the ‘Old Apple A Day’ adage was a bunch of BS.

I know I have some super smart blogging friends, but if ONE of you can say you didn’t know what congruent or incongruent were, I’ll share my endorsement money with you and we’ll have wine sans grapes!

Also, choking is only funny if you survive. It’s pretty damn scary. Have you choked this week?

XOXO