Learning New Words And Trying To Survive Normal Human Functions

I want to give a big hug, fist pump and possibly do the Carlton with each of you that wished our Lolo well in her next endeavor. People who encourage others are the bomb. I appreciate your kindness and I’m sure she read each comment.


I really wanted to blog about something important or interesting today, but I didn’t have time to get my act together. And also, I don’t usually do important.

But I did remember that I wanted to let you know I learned a new (to me) word this past week and I almost died on Wednesday AND since that wasn’t exiting enough, I tried to do it again on Thursday. The dying part, not the new word.

See. I’ve been busy.

Last week while in GA I went to look at a potential home for my Aunt and Uncle; they’ve been on the hunt since AUGUST. I’m not kidding when I say a house can be listed and three to four offers come in the same damn day. They’re having a tough time; they’re not the only ones trying to flee the insanity of our world to a safer haven.

The house was newly listed (nine minutes from us!) and they appreciate my input. If you’ve ever been in a room with me while HGTV is on, you’d know that I have a lot to say. If criticizing peoples homes on TV was a sport, I’d have a Gold Medal and lots of endorsement deals.

It was a nice home. Not perfect, but it had potential. It was clean and you can tell it was well taken care of which is not always the case.

Things that AT and I could not get over were the amount of LARGE pieces of furniture, LARGE gilded gold framed artwork and Dead Animals.

I mean, you often see lots of art work. And occasionally dead animals; these homeowners liked both.

Any spot that could fit a piece of art, had a piece of art. Over the pantry door, IN THE LAUNDRY ROOM, over the closet doors. I’m not exaggerating; very ornate shit.

AT and I were looking around, she was standing behind me, both of us trying to digest the decor. I said something along the lines of it’s A LOT, isn’t it?

AT: yes, very Incongruent.

My head spun around like Linda Blair, Exorcist style. WHAT!?

She repeated herself and I let her know that I have never.heard.that.word.

Was I living under a dictionary rock?

I was thinking it was a contradictory decor style; turns out we meant the same thing.

I learned a new word and the whiplash has mostly subsided.

Finally we both decided to give them a pass; maybe they were going for that European Hunting Mansion look. Not sure why, but they were committed to it.

Indeed the homeowners wouldn’t find it to be incongruent at all.

I used IT IN A SENTENCE! Where the hell is my gold ribbon?

BTW: Lolo knew the word; probably learned it when she was seven reading encyclopedias in bed after I read her Winnie the Pooh.

Food Will Kill Me

Wednesday I was on the phone with my Aunt Trisha, discussing the incongruent house and other important things. I was eating a salad at the time and a murderous sliver of onion slid down my throat mid sentence; my throat WANTED to choke, but I held back because it’s rude to do that while on the phone.

I was trying hard to ignore the fact that my throat was struggling to take in air by continuing on with the conversation, but after half a minute I couldn’t fake the fact that I was dying.

I gave up and proceeded to cough for a moment or seventeen.

AT asked if I was ok.

Yes. Choke. Cough. Choke. Ye…Choke…Cough…Yesss.

I just hate the fact that I’ll probably die from eating a salad at my countertop and not something exciting like enjoying puffer fish sushi off the coast of Belize in a 590ft fully staffed yacht.

Kidding. I don’t like sushi.

THE NEXT DAY I was snacking on some grapes. As usual I was multitasking; cleaning and snacking. I bit into a grape, the juice went DOWN my life-breath-throat hole and I started to choke.

For a good minute or so, I choked, coughed and cussed. The dogs were looking at me like I might die BEFORE they got their dinner and that could pose a problem.


This furthered the argument that I should only consume grapes that have been fermented; I have NEVER choked on wine.

Should I stop eating while alone? Is it time for a life alert?

If I never post again, you can assume I’ve died from a slice of apple and know full well the ‘Old Apple A Day’ adage was a bunch of BS.

I know I have some super smart blogging friends, but if ONE of you can say you didn’t know what congruent or incongruent were, I’ll share my endorsement money with you and we’ll have wine sans grapes!

Also, choking is only funny if you survive. It’s pretty damn scary. Have you choked this week?


The Lillie Diaries; Get This Dog A Blog

How about an update on our Lillie Bell. Lillie of the Valley. Silly Lillie. Little Bit. It’s a wonder that she even knows her name.
She is doing just fabulous, thank you for asking.

I just checked the calendar to see how long it’s been since she adopted us and I’m surprised to see it’s only been six weeks.

One thing that amazes me so much is that she listens so well. She follows me around the yard, and if she straggles or starts to wander off, I call her, and she comes running, which isn’t easy for someone with extremely short legs. (that’s my story too, and I’m sticking to it!)

lady ma, I just chill here and u tak care of da crawly tings dat will fly and teaz me

She hasn’t grasped what or why I’m cleaning out cages and moving milkweed plants/cuttings here and there for my caterpillars, but Coach doesn’t really get it either, so it’s ok.

She doesn’t understand the sit command, but she does know how to ‘stay’. I have NO idea how she knows this, but she does. When I take the long walk down the driveway to take out the garbage or retrieve the mail, she will follow me to a certain point now and stop because she knows I’m going to say STAY. The first time I told her to STAY, and she stayed, I said: WHAT THE HELL? WHO TAUGHT YOU THAT? **crickets** It must be top secret because she wasn’t telling.

Ma Lady why U laugh an show me ur teef 2 every time U look at me.

We’re still working on the peeing-in-the-house issue, but I feel that eventually, it will not be a thing. Please Lord, let it not always be a thing.

I took her to the Vet last week, and even our Vet was surprised to see me with a little Rat Terrier: What happened to you and your love of boxers? What can I say, I’m evolving. Lillie has lost weight since she’s been with us; I’m sure it’s all the exercise. (she previously lived in an apartment with an older gentleman, so I don’t think she was very active; perhaps that’s why she loves watching TV so much. I swear I heard her whisper Wheel Of Fortune when I picked up the remote once or thrice.
Our Dr wasn’t worried about her weight loss, though; she said she looks perfect at 12.6 lbs.

ma lady I sit wit U in car all day if dats how long it taks 2 get sissy grate dane out of wating rum.

She’s such a curious little booger which is funny since I was always told that Cat Are Curious; take that Cats. She loves to chase lizards, birds, squirrels and has eyeballed a few of my butterflies. After dinner yesterday we were walking around the property and she was intrigued by a bird that was taunting her.

Ma. Ma. Ma. lady. u hear dat? it’s jus on da uderside of big wall. I need squakin bird.

She still sleeps in the bed with Coach and I and generally her favorite place so snooze is at the back of his legs. Luckily he’s very aware of her being there because I think just one of his calves is entirely bigger than her.

I love her so much and I tell her at least 59 times a day just in case she forgets.

Don’t even think for a minute that I’m giving less love to Callie because that ain’t happening.

Callie is in denial of her 70lb size and really loves being cozy in the beds I purchased for Lillie; she cracks me up.

Well, that’s all I have to say about that. Until next time.


2021 Can Return The Unwanted Gifts, My New Bestie And I’m Starting To Feel Like A Chatty Cathy.

Happy Friday to all 8 of you!

Baby, it’s hot outside.

My heart breaks for all of you who are going through winter hell right now. Pretty shitty of you 2021. NO power? NO water? That’s horrid. I spoke to my girlfriend who lives in North Texas and they were without power for over 40 hours. She said it was 45 degrees INSIDE their home and they slept in ski clothes. That does not sound pleasant at all. I certainly wish we could send some warmth and sunshine to everyone affected. As I type this (Thursday afternoon) it’s 85*. I took the dogs out to the sundeck for a bit to catch some Vitamin D and enjoy the breeze and butterflies who were swarming us.

I’ve dealt with no power/water from hurricanes, but we were never COLD at the same time. I’m sending good vibes, positive mojo and prayers out there for all affected because I just can’t imagine.

Transition to Lillie and my needy ass self.

Do I blog talk too much?

Thinking of taking a break. Not for me. FOR YOU. I feel like you might be over of my being repetitive about dogs, butterflies, Georgia, and my disdain for olives. Goodness. Just typing that word and I can smell ’em. Oh and teeth. Here I go again…

I have this image of me taking a long blog break, I come back, start to type something and then I have to say: Oh, I can’t share that with you because “WE WERE ON A BREAK!”

Friends might have been my most favorite (light hearted) sitcom ever.

But before I jump ship, your life would not be complete without knowing this: The Coach and I can NOT get over Lillie’s apparent overbite. She shows us her teeth even when she’s not threatening to eat us. We giggle about it all the time. And that led me to wonder: Does SHE actually have an overbite or is she afflicted with very small lips? OR is she smiling at us? Maybe she’s JUST one of those weird people who smiles all the time.

WHO KNOWS? This is The Question for 2021.

It’s both the weirdest and cutest thing ever. She reminds me of this guy:

Also, I’m completely smitten with her, you could say borderline obsessed.

Totally didn’t need to type borderline.

Did you notice I referred to her as a ‘people’ up there?

That’s all I’ve got to say about that. (~Forrest Gump!)

The Coach is coaching ALL weekend, so if you need me I’ll be working in the yard, brushing Lillie’s teeth OR stretching her lips.

Whats on the agenda for the weekend? Do we even call it a weekend anymore?