How middle aged women celebrate, my first home invasion and I might have a succulent addiction

You know what is awesome to collect?
Girlfriends.
I traveled a few hours north last weekend to celebrate one of my friends birthdays at a mutual friends house.

Before I tell you how exciting our day/night was, let’s reflect on what a buffoon I can be on occasion. 
I’ve known my friend Michelle for years but had never been to her house. I used the GPS on my phone and just as I entered her neighborhood and saw that I was ALMOST to her house I looked up and saw a home with lots of cars in the driveway. Well, here I am!
I had my arms full and knocked on the front door. No one answered, and dogs were barking. 
Suz’s brain: Well, Michelle doesn’t have dogs, but maybe her Mom is here with her pups? Why isn’t someone opening the door for me? Wait, they must be out back in the pool….just open the door and let yourself in Suz. 
I open the door and immediately three dogs come at me; a greyhound and two little mutts. I see past them to the furnishings and I know immediately this is NOT Michelle’s house. 
*Shiza-Minelli* I just did my first home invasion.
I push the ‘overly happy to see me’ dogs back into the house and shut the door.
As I’m pulling out my phone on the porch looking for Michelle’s house number a man opens the door and asks if I need something. 
*I might have shat myself*
I apologized and told him I’m at the wrong house….I said I’m so sorry about opening your door, I’m looking for Michelle’s house. 
He said, no worries. 
*phew, he’s not a gun-toting, fly off the handle kind of person*
We figured out her house was about 5 down the street. I said to him: “Thanks. Sorry again, it looks like you’re having a party here with all the cars in the driveway.” 
He said: “No party, I just have a lot of kids.”
Oh, my lawd Suzanne, how you’ve made it 51 years without being murdered is a miracle. 

What did 7 ladies age 41-60 do for a fun time?

We drank wine. Laughed. Sat in the pool. Nibbled. Laughed. Noshed.
And we potted succulents.
Talk about a wild and crazy time-we’re just lucky the popo wasn’t called on us.

I didn’t take as many pictures as I should have, but I was busy laughing. And floating. And drinking.

This one looks like Disney’s Ursula. 
I’m also completely inspired to UP my succulent planting game. The plants below are all in my house (inside and out), some new and some old. 

I’m thankful for good friends who love and inspire me and understanding peeps who don’t shoot first and ask questions later.
XO

The time I wanted to take down a nurse.

Well, I’d put off my colonoscopy as long as I possibly could. My Dr. was not having any more of my shenanigans, so I finally went to see a suggested gastrologist. I chose a female Dr; I always choose a woman if the circumstances are involving any (or near) my lady parts. Call me crazy, but I’m more comfortable with someone who has similar parts as I do

The pre-op exam was good, the Dr. was pleasant. I was able to schedule my appointment within a week and there was no turning back now. I was given a RX for the prep part. This is a newer one that is being used and I was kind of the guinea pig for my Dr.
Clenpiq
It was all straight forward. I was scheduled for Tuesday morning, so I began my fasting on Monday morning and had the clenpiq at 2pm and 8pm along with tons of water, juice, tea, flavored water, ginger ale, jello and ice pops. The jello and Ice pops were lifesavers and I almost felt like I was having food. Almost.

I stayed home all day. (you’ll be very friendly with your commode!) I did a lot of busy stuff to keep my mind off food for most of the day and then I watched some TV later on. At one point I saw a dog food commercial and I thought: “wow, I bet that tastes good”

I did survive. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it might be. I’m the type of person whose personality changes (and not for the better) when I’m hungry. I become cranky and lash out at anyone and everyone.
I’d never make it as a homeless person.

The morning of Coach drove me to the appointment. I’d already placed my order with him for an egg sandwich and coffee from Einsteins when he picked me up.

While in the reception area, I used the ladies room one more time to empty my bladder,  even though I’d not had any liquids since 11 the night before.

Then, the nurse/assistant calls me into the pre-op area. Carlos looks over my chart and asks if I’m still having my menstrual cycle or if I’m in menopause. Sadly, I’m still dealing with it. He then said, “Oh, you’ll have to give me some urine for a pregnancy test.” 
I kind of made a face and said, I might NOT be able to since I just emptied my bladder.
He said he needed only a few drops and for me to just try.
As I’m shutting the door to the restroom I hear another nurse say to him: “Well if someone is having anesthesia, they should ALWAYS know to have a pregnancy test, it goes without saying!” 

I was PISSED!!
HOW DARE SHE? Doesn’t she know I’m hangry! 
I’m tired and I’m not thinking about possibly being pregnant at 51!

I was able to produce a small amount, I walked out and handed it to my nurse Carlos and was ready to let the other lady have it, but she was with a patient and I held it in.

As Carlos is taking my blood pressure and my pulse, he asks if I’m nervous because the darn machine was losing it’s mind. I told him, I wasn’t nervous, but I was PISSED at the other nurse because I heard what she said while I was in the bathroom.
He assured me that she wasn’t complaining about me, but she was angry with the receptionist who checked me in, it was her responsibility to let me know I’d need to have a pregnancy test.

Oh.
Gotcha.

Within a minute my heart rate and blood pressure went down and the machine didn’t sound like a carnival on Saturday night.

Carlos finished all his questions and next was the Nurse anesthetist; he had a hundred questions for me as well, then he told me to open my mouth as wide as I could.
Me: “This is my first time but I don’t think this is how you do it”
I thought he was going to wet his pants.
He then proceeded to tell me I have the biggest set of tonsils he’s seen in a long time. He said I had a really nice pair.

Me: “Well, thank you.”

You gotta take compliments wherever you can get them. 

I felt fine the rest of the day and everything I ate tasted just a little bit better after not eating for 36 hours. That was a record for me.

Quite possibly the best-tasting Sammy ever. 

I don’t have to do this again until I’m 60, but you know I’ll try to put it off as long as possible.

Suz at 13

A few days ago my Aunt Trisha stumbled upon these never before seen (by me) photos. She took them when I was around 13 and on a camping weekend with my Aunt and Uncle in Cherry Log, GA.

A few things struck me: 
I was smiling. 
I was cuter than I thought I was; I just thought my Mom HAD to say I was cute. 
My hair wasn’t as hideous as I thought it was. (although soon after my Grandma took me to her ‘beautician’ and gave me an ‘easy to take care of look’—Yes, a boys’ haircut!) I wanted so badly to have hair like Blair on The Facts Of Life, but instead, I looked more like Tootie. 
The braces. I was SO thankful that I was finally able to get braces; I was a mouthful of crooked, but getting those was a cluster between my Mom, Dad and me living in a different state than my Dad and his insurance. 
That outfit. I had very few clothes; I recall wearing this particular outfit many times during the school week. 
I wish I knew at 13 that it would all work out for me. I’d get the life that I dreamt of having, but didn’t think it could be a reality; you know, a functional family life.  
A girl scout leader in the making

I wish I could go back and tell my 13-year-old self to NOT be so hard on myself, I will grow taller than 4’9 and weigh more than a toddler at some point., it’s ok to not be a cool kid or even friends with the cool kids.
And that I’ll have a slew of quality people in my life who will get me.
It was gonna be more than all right.

Gin in the morning

Sometimes I open my mouth and my Mother pops out.

I noticed about a year ago a dull ache in my right index finger…..within a few months the dull ache was also felt in my right birdie finger. Not that I’d ever shoot a bird…..

It hit me.
This is what arthritis feels like.
*Oh SNAP*

A vision hit me from the past. Actually, the past day was in November of 2009.
The day my Aunt, Uncle and beloved Mother came for Thanksgiving and with them they brought this strange concoction and placed it in my fridge. 
Gin soaked (golden) raisins.

They swore that eating 9 of those raisins daily helped with arthritis pain.

I gave them strange looks and laughed at their apparent senility.

*OLD PEOPLE and their silliness*

Well, lo and behold I am NOW an old silly person myself. I honestly thought that would come much later, but unlike most of my life, it showed up early.

Hi, my name is Suzanne and I believe that 9 gin soaked raisins a day actually diminishes most of my arthritis pain.

The way I know it helps is that when we’ve traveled (even for a weekend) and I didn’t have them daily, the ache was more than dull. My joints crave the gin soaked  raisins.

I’m neither a fan of gin or raisins, but I’m really NOT a fan of aching joints.

Here is the link if you’d like to try this yourself. And no, I’m not intoxicated now or when I ingest them…..the alcohol content is very low. The magic has something to do with the juniper berries used to make gin mixed with the golden raisins. You can do your own research on the web. For me, I know it works.

Thank you Beverly!!

XO

My joints are a’ jumping!!

A while ago I was being a big bragger and shared with you my love of Move Free and how it singlehandedly repaired my non functioning shoulder.

Well, a few months ago I noticed that my knees were needing some attention. I actually thought about purchasing a new right knee, but my amazon prime didn’t offer them.

I was having serious issues with crouching/squatting down. You know how it’s nice to be able to tie your shoe, pet the dog, or pick up something off the floor? yeah, I’m a fan of that too. Well, actually the getting DOWN wasn’t the issue….it was the getting back up. I had to use BOTH hands and pull myself back up using a wall, chair, countertop or a human. It wasn’t fun and it worried me.
I’m too darn young to feel that darn old.

Two months ago I was at the vitamin store picking up some stuff and I asked the ever so friendly manager if there was something better than the Move Free for my failing knees.
He said: IF you can get past the taste,  THIS IS THE BEST STUFF. 
Joint Vibrance


I have issues with bad tasting stuff….so I wondered; can I get past it?
He said if I didn’t like it, I could return it within 30 days for store credit, so I figured I’d give it a try.

Turns out, not so bad tasting at all. I mix a scoop with about 4 oz of OJ, some ice, a couple of ounces of water and 1/2 a banana in our ninja. I even add in my protein powder and some flax seed because that makes me feel super duper good about myself. HA. {it’s best absorbed on an empty stomach} You can make up your own concoction-this just works for me because it’s easy. I’ve added apples and strawberries when I feel like fancying things up.

I noticed a difference within 3 weeks. I’m not kidding.
This stuff is magic.

Friday I had my first session with a personal trainer at my old people gym {something I’ve talked about doing for years} and I was doing squats with weights, lunges with weights, you name it with weights and I had NO ISSUES at all. I was all over that gym like a freakin’ ninja toddler. I was absolutely impressed with myself and my new knees.

Ok, my muscles were in majorly bad shape for a few days, but that was to be expected. My joints were/are feeling NO pain.

If you have any joint weakness/issues, I’d give this a try. It’s not cheap (about $50 a month) but it has made all the difference in the world for Suzanne!!!

No, I was not compensated for sharing this information with you-I’ve never been compensated for any of my wonderful advice…see, some things in life ARE free!!!

XOXOX

Shank you very much

Some offenses from those in the general public are deserving of Suz dusting off her shank.

Left lane hanger outers.
I don’t care if you are traveling the speed limit or 20 miles OVER the speed limit. If I am behind you, and you are NOT currently passing someone on your right; you are slowing me down.
IT’s called the PASSING lane, not the FAST lane.
Move over, so I can pass.
If someone is behind you, just know that you’ve now created a
“I’m screwing everyone behind me because I refuse to move over lane”.


The I’m too busy to click reply
I’m a thoughtful person. If I take photos of you at a party or Christmas or whatever, I will forward those to you via email.  But, is it too much trouble to click reply and type those 8 very difficult words?
I’ll give you a hint it starts with T and ends with U! {thank you}
Oh, because hitting reply and Thank you might be exhausting?
Life must be hard for some people on a daily basis.

Ankle bumpers at the grocery store.
Yes, you are correct, my ankles are different from yours; mine have NO feeling whatsoever.
Go on. Bang away person with no depth perception; I can’t feel a thing.

Any offenses you’d like to add today?

THE test. Would you OR wouldn’t you take it?

A few weeks ago I had my yearly checkup with my lady Dr.
You know, the one who needs to check all my lady parts to make sure I’m healthy.
As she was going through my family history (again. Since I’ve only been visiting her for 15 years) she commented about my maternal Grandmother’s history of breast and ovarian cancer. (It took her life before mine began)
Dr. Lady Dr. asked if I’d like to have a blood test to see if I carry the gene as well.
She said it so casual and explained it was really easy to do and if the test is positive then I can make the decision then to then have a bilateral mastectomy and my ovaries removed.

*Suz smilng at Dr. Lady Dr.

*Suz just realized that Dr. Lady Dr. said something important and it’s starting to penetrate her thick skull….

*Suz’s brain is taking in the words bilateral mastectomy and something about her ovaries….

*Suz has a lightbulb blaring over her freshly coifed hairdo…

Suz: “OH, THAT TEST???”

Dr. Lady Dr.: “Yes, THAT test. “

Suz: “Sure, why not”

After I left the office, reality hit me.
What if I’m positive for the gene?
What will I do then?
I’ve never tested positive for anything good or bad. I hate tests!!!

Then I pushed those thoughts to the back of my brain and focused on our impending graduation, family arriving,  party planning yadda yadda yadda……

Dr. Lady Dr. finally called me on Thursday of last week.

I’m negative for the BRCA gene.

Which means, I have the same chances of getting breast & ovarian cancer as someone who doesn’t have a family history of it.
Which means something. Well, which means I can still get it.
Which was a huge relief after I hung up the phone with her.
I didn’t realize how stressed I was about it until I got the call.

So.
Would you take the test?
Have you?

I feel that with all the technology we should be prepared for whatever we can be prepared for.
Me? If I had tested positive, I’m fairly certain I’d have my bits and pieces removed. Some of them, I’m already done with.

I know it wouldn’t  be easy…but I really want to be here for the long haul.
You know….just to annoy my people for as long as I can….because I’m so good at it.
My new tagline: Annoying my people since 1967!