Tag: Funny

I hope I don’t regret not having a title for this mess.

It’s come to my attention that I have a lot of feelings.

Good ones.
Sad ones.
Really, really bad ones.

Just kidding about the bad ones, but I do love a sing-song rhyme.

Also, spell check always tells me that I don’t’ know how to spell rhyme.

People always say to live your life without regret.
Who are these people and why should we listen to them?

{not my tattoo nor my decolletage}

How does one live without regret? Like, NOT one regret? 
I’m not buying what they’re selling.

My regrets; I have a few.

I regret being an anal-retentive Mother when my girls were little. I know exactly *why I was like that 
and I don’t believe they are scarred, but still, I could have been a ‘lighter’ person.

I regret some of the times I didn’t answer the phone when my Mom called me.

I regret all the times I stressed over buying and wearing a bathing suit. From the time I was 15 until now; I stressed whether I was 95lbs or 140lbs.

I regret not wearing sunscreen on my decolletage during my teen years.

Upcoming evidence of feelings all over the place.

This song was on my mind the other day.
When my Mom was in hospice we played some music for her.
Me: Oh, she loves this song (she really did) so I started playing it. 

After a minute or so, my Aunt Trisha said: Yeah, she likes that song, but she really loves this one.

My Mom was heavily sedated and hadn’t communicated in hours, but she twitched when this song came on. I know she was trying to dance.

When I was a kid and she would dance/drive in the car at hearing a good song…Why did that mortify me? 
Dance/driving is the best.

I don’t regret dropping everything and spending copious amounts of time with my Mom in ATL when she was sick.

I don’t regret a single day of actually being a Mom or a Wife. (I capitalized on those as they are both positions that I take seriously.)

I don’t regret knowing the word decolletage; it’s an interesting word.

I might regret hitting publish on this post.

XO

Goldilocks and the new office

I started this post a few weeks ago when we were living our ordinarily boring days. *sigh* 

We converted the girls’ playroom to Coach’s home office.
It’s all finished aside from a desktop and printer.

I guess that means, it’s not 100% finished. I’m a liar. 

I ordered the desk, file cabinet (behind desk) rug and a desk chair from Pottery Barn when they were having a spectacular sale. I was hesitant to even order the chair because it seemed so expensive to me,  but it looked really timeless and comfortable.

Some of the items were taking forever to come in and then I found out that the chair was going to EVEN more delayed.
Finally, I came to my senses, called and canceled the overpriced chair.

Later, the next day I was at Office Depot picking up some printing and I saw some great chairs there. I almost purchased one for him; then I decided I’d let him choose his own chair. 
See, I’m nice. 


The chairs at OD ranged from $200-$400. Much better prices than PB.

I finagled him to go to Office Depot one evening to shop and he poo-pooed every chair he sat in.
Too small.
Too hard.
Too ugly.

Finally, I asked him where he purchased the office chair that he has in his actual office.

“I ordered it online from Costco about 10 years ago.”


Really now.

It goes to show you, we all probably do better with fewer choices in life; that could be a positive spin regarding prison or arranged marriages.

A few weeks later we were in Costco and they had two desk chairs to chose from.
Goldilocks Coach tried them both; and decided that the more inexpensive one was the most comfortable.

Y’all it was $99.

We have too many choices in life and it can make it harder. Right? 

Like right now, I’d take ONE PLY generic TP given the chance.

Oh, and we still have all the kid’s books, toys, and games in the office if the Coach needs to take a break from running our empire company.

So, is anyone making any changes at home? 

Well, aside from rationing paper goods and hiding from sick people?

The one where the dogs are living their best life, Debbie Downer shows up, Suz learns and most likely we’re all gonna live.

The coach and I might run out of TP, but our dogs will be eating well for the next few weeks.
Their food batch is usually bigger than this, but I could not get my hands on any ground turkey (or any poultry) for the last week; so ground beef, eggs, rice and loads of veggies will suffice.

They congregate in the kitchen ( nor more than four of us, I swear!) for the entire prep, cooking and jarring, just waiting to lick the pans.

She’s finally satisfied, after licking all five pans and then re-licking them just in case.

***
Lindsay’s juice bar officially closed yesterday; she understands, but she’s bummed because working is a great distraction.
Did you know that my girls read my blog? {Hi Linds!}
Sometimes they’ll call me and talk about something I shared on the blog, but not in real life. Such as the recent crazy azz neighbor.

***
I’m sure you haven’t slept a wink wondering what I’ve been up to; get ready to nap.

*Laundry.
*Eating.
*Listening to music.
*Cleaning out some random drawers (did I have to keep every collar of every dog we’ve ever had?)
*Watching more TV than usual; I’m on a run of Property Brothers right now; they have about 79 different shows and I like them all.
*Eating.
*Judging people on the Facebook.
*Trying to keep all my monarch caterpillars alive and fed.
*Eating.
*Pulling weeds in the garden of weeden.
*Exercising. But not enough to put a dent in the bad eating.
*Cleaning
*Laundry (how many people live here?)
*Eating

*Eating==some of that means drinking wine. You’re not new here, you knew that.

***
I was having a conversation with Lolo recently making a comment about human behavior and she suggested that I go into observational humor. {Hi, Lolo!}
I believe she meant as a means to make $.
Then she remembered that is what I have already been doing for my family and I’ll never get paid for it.
In the words of Debbie Downer: whaaa whaaa whaaaa 


***
Would you like to know something that I learned this week that I probably should have learned or known about 40 years ago? 
Do you?
Really? 
It’s kind of silly…..
It’s gonna make me look like the facebook people…

The Coach purchased corned beef this past weekend and said he was going to make pastrami.
Me: Wait, how do you make corned beef into pastrami?
Him: You put it in the smoker and voila!


I always kind of wondered what the difference was between pastrami and corned beef; now I know. It only took 52 1/2 years.
FYI: It was good.
But it’s not good for you.
But also, I would pair it with a white.
Or a red.
Who really cares at this point.

***
They officially closed our beaches yesterday. They most likely wouldn’t have had to do that if there weren’t a bajillion spring breakers congregating IN close PROXIMITY on the beaches.
Ummmm, hello, does anyone understand what social distancing means? 
I do wonder about people, but I don’t want to wonder too much because I’m not getting paid for it.

So, distract me from any impending doom.
What are you up to? Are you vacillating between doom and sunshine? 
I still have a lot of faith in our country. I honestly never thought we’d be in this position right now, but I feel we will be on the other side of this in a few weeks. {Praying on bended knee!}

Share your thoughts.
Maybe I’m a bubblehead. Maybe I’m too optimistic.
Hell, maybe I’m on the wine again.
Sharing is caring.
You too Maddie

Bee a sharer.
Bee a carer.
Don’t be a downer if you can spar-er. (hey, it rhymed!)

XO

The one where I visit a Doctor in a closet and I need a tongue transplant.

So, I broke down and finally went to the Dr. yesterday. I really didn’t want it to get to that point because, and I hope I’m not telling you something you don’t know, but all the sick people are at the Doctors office.

My regular Dr stopped taking our insurance, so right now I really don’t have a regular.
But I am regular in contrast to the lady I will meet up with in line at CVS.

My friend told me about the Minute Clinic. Have you heard of these? Just a little closet office inside CVS and you’re seen by a nurse practitioner. I mean, I wouldn’t go there if I fell off the roof while pressure washing and had a bone jutting out of my skin, but for my issue it was sufficient.

I was sure I had a sinus infection and of course, I was right. Sadly, they wouldn’t pay ME for the diagnosis, I still had to pay THEM. ‘Merica
Anyhoo, I’m on antibiotics, some saline spray, and Flonase. I’m certain I’ll be feeling like my normal sassy self in a hot minute.

The day before I had a bunch of errands to run starting with picking up a package at UPS, then Target.
I went into the UPS place and the lady fetched my package for me. Then I had to sign paperwork and this entire time, I needed to cough. I was holding in my cough. Kind of like holding your pee, but you know in my throat.
Finally, package in hand, papers signed and I almost made it to the door when my body wouldn’t hold in the cough one more second.

*COUGH*

I’m not kidding when I say a lady 4 feet behind me let out a gasp so big, that I know tons of old UPS germs made a beeline for her respiratory system.
Calm down, people.

After I didn’t infect the patrons of the UPS store, I headed to Target for my typical shopping run that I do every 10-14 days. On my list were some various items and apparently a hot ticket item.
No, it wasn’t for Tickle Me Elmo.

*cue the dramatic background music*
               
              TOILET PAPER

Do you think they had any TP at Target? 

Nope. Nada.
Not a square to spare.

I sent a family text complaining about the toilet paper and Linds let on that she is always stocked up and she would share, but only a square.
My people.

The next day after my visit with the minute clinic Dr inside the CVS closet, I purchased a six-pack of bud toilet paper like a normal human.
There was a lady behind me that had at least 48 rolls of TP.
My tongue was bleeding from me biting it because I wanted to ask if she needed a referral to a gastro specialist or did she want me to help her find the Imodium to assist with her apparent issue,
but on this day apparently, I had self-control.
Having self-control really takes a bite out of my fun.

I’m still very confused by it all and it’s the last thing I would think of hoarding. 
Food? Sure.
Medicine? Yeah.
Wine? Absofreakinglutely.
Toilet paper? Not even on my radar.

If anyone could clarify, please let me know.

Bueller?  Bueller? 

Last night as I was almost finished with dinner (the chores!)
I said to the Coach, can I still have ice cream if I don’t finish my chicken? (I told you I’m 12)
Oh, nevermind, we don’t have any ice cream.
His response: I’ll take you out for ice cream, but you have to stay in the car so you don’t scare anyone.
My people.  

I decided I didn’t really want ice cream, although the prospect of having it delivered to the car was appealing.

I already shared two nonsensical posts this week and I was thinking that was enough, but this one’s for you, Kari.
*holds bud light up in the air*
Wait, I don’t drink beer.

Wishing everyone a healthy weekend doing something fun and by fun, I don’t mean hoarding paper products.

Bee sweet.
Bee healthy.
Bee a good human.
Damnit.

XOXO

Gravel Gertie and other lies

The other night while cooking dinner, (the chores!) the TV was tuned to the USA channel and Chrisley Knows Best was on; from out of nowhere I heard Todd say to one of his kids:
“C’mon Gravel Gertie.”
I stopped what I was doing and said to the dogs who were watching my every move:

WHAT the Franklin D. Roosevelt did he SAY?


This was a phrase my Grandma used to say to me often as a kid and I remember asking her What is a Gravel Gertie?
She explained to me that Gertie was a lady she used to see when she was a kid; Gravel Gertie was homeless and was always a mess, having spent her life in the gravel on the side of the road.
I assumed the ladies’ name was Gertie and that there was only ONE Gravel Gertie. 
Was I related to the Chrisleys? Do they know my Grandma too?

After researching, it turns out, she was a character in a Dick Tracey story.
Todd Chrisley blew my childhood memories away because I thought {for 52 years} that Gertie was someone my G’ma knew personally.

{I know the Chrisley show is dumb  & contrived, but that’s what’s need when slaving in the kitchen}

Now, I’m wondering what other lies my Grandma told me that I’ve been believing for all my days.
I mean, she proudly fed me cigarettes for breakfast. 
Will my face stay like that? 
Will I blow bubbles out of my butt from swallowing gum? 
Is that mole on the back of my neck really my sweet spot? 

Surely, she wasn’t lying when she told me I was her favorite, I mean, that’s pretty easy to believe.

Me and my lying Grandma at her 90th birthday party. 

Well, shucks. I do miss her terribly; she was always so happy to see me. And she was my favorite. She lived until the ripe old age of 96 being healthy until the last few months of her life. Her birthday is this week; March 4th and she would be 107; which would really piss her off. She used to tell me that people should NOT live ‘this long’ and it’s terrible when everyone you know is dead.
Also, she had no filter.

Has anyone else heard of Gravel Gertie? 

TGIF; skinny arms and big lips.

I came across this old photo the other day; we were probably 18 and 20. I recall it was an outdoor concert in Miami. I wish I could remember what show it was, but we went to a lot of concerts; hence our weak hearing today. *Heh?*

My first thoughts were:
Wow, we were such babies. 
and then
Suz, how in the world did you even pick up a toothbrush with those skinny arms? 

***

I saw this meme the other day and almost wet my britches. I sent it to the girls and they also found it hilarious.

Every time I read it, I bite my upper lip and realize how hilarious it is.

Speaking of biting lips, I started doing Invisalign treatment about 3 weeks ago on my lower teeth. I’d noticed I was getting food stuck in between two particular teeth in the back of my mouth and it was driving me mad every time I ate. It’s tasteless to constantly whip out dental floss in a restaurant.
I suppose if I stopped eating, I could eliminate a few issues, but no.
Turns out another gift of aging is that our teeth continue to move. The Invisalign should straighten out my lower (now crowded front area) and help close the gap at the back.
I thought I would have major mouth pain as I did with braces, but I’ve had no pain like that at all.
The only issue I’ve had aside from not being able to chew gum (I’m addicted!) is that when I take out the tray to eat, the little tiny buttons they glue to your teeth to keep the tray in place, well I keep getting my lip caught on those. It’s kinda funny really. I just can’t imagine how Angelina Jolie would be able to handle it with her lips….but then again, maybe she could just pay someone to wear it for her.
It’s not cheap a cheap treatment but think of all the money I’ll save on dental floss.

***
I’m volunteering at Tim Tebow’s Night to Shine Prom tonight; it’s one of my most favorite nights of the year.
The husband left at 4am this morning along with a gaggle of friends and drove north pulling his big ole smoker; they’ll be smoking meat all day long for another one of our favorite charities. 
I believe tomorrow will be a day of recovery and cleanup.

That’s all I’ve got today.
Have a great weekend whether you’re biting your lips, cooking for love or dancing your heart out.
Bee sweet!
XO

Things I don’t want to see or hear or have people do.

Much like the sun damage from my youth, I need to get some things off my chest.

Prepare yourself for ComplainaPalooza 2020


Airport or restaurant check-ins on Facebook. 
Some peeps JUST post the check-in as their status. 
No one cares. Literally, NO ONE CARES.


I understand posting a pic of yourself with your people at a restaurant, or the airport because you’re excited about a trip, that is acceptable. (to me, but this is my blog, so my rules). 
DO not check-in. Not one person cares.




Honestly, I could go on all day about my FB complaints, but it’s futile. I just avoid FB when peeps annoy me.  For example, when someone shares 147 pictures from their afternoon at Chic Fil A having lunch with a friend. 
Has anyone heard of sharing just the highlights? 

Phrases that have run their course: 
*Current situation
*The struggle is real
*Said no one ever

One that has bothered me since the day I was born; I think I came out of my Mother’s lady 
kitchen being bothered about this one.
When you’re on the phone and you are giving someone your phone number or 
credit card number and as you are verbalizing said numbers (if you even pause for a 
second) they say OK, but they say OK WHILE YOU’RE TRYING TO MOVE 
ONTO THE REST OF THE DIGITS and then they don’t get the correct digits 
because they are saying OK while you’re trying to give them the digits. 


And exclamation points.
I mean, exclamation points!!! 
On texts, emails or notes written on homemade vellum paper delivered via 
messenger pigeons. 
We’re swimming in the sea of exclamation points. Are we really that excited? Are we angry? 
Are we cheerleaders? 
And it’s not just Millenials; I’ve corresponded with people in their 70’s. 
Why is everyone so darn excited when I thought most of the country was depressed.
Wait, maybe that’s just all the RX commercials I see. 

Ads on blogs. 
They slow the page load to the speed of smell. 
I understand you’re trying to make a few bucks; generally, a blog with ads is not one that
I’m going to enjoy so as soon as I see ads, I’m out. 

*Drops mic and heads to the laundry pile*


I’m sure you’re thinking now, wow, that Suz seems so nice and pleasant, and today she’s full 
of crap complaints.
Well, you’re right. 
But, once I purge my complaints, it’s all good in the hood. 

I’m Susie Sunshine once again, at your service. 

C’mon. YOU know you’ve got something to get off your chest; purging is good for the soul. 
XO