Hi, my name is Suzanne and I live in Florida; aka the snake and alligator state.

We have plenty of snakes on our property. I’m ok with that as long as they keep their distance. Do they always comply? No, because they are rebels. I’m surprised by a snake at least once a day when I’m outside and judging by my flip flop tan, I’m outside a LOT. But you know what I realized, my outside is THEIR home. So, suck it up, buttercup.

One horrible time, a snake was confused and came INSIDE.THE.DAMN.HOUSE. I found him (a corn snake,not lethal, but still a snake)in our theater/billiard room. I went in for a bottle of wine and nearly shat myself. He was curled up under our wine rack and sadly Coach was out of town. It took some time, but I was able to coax him out with a broom and a few choice cuss words.

We frequently get snakes in our pool lanai area. I don’t know why they want to come in there except for the fact that it does look like an oasis. Sometimes I find babies in the pool skimmer. *sad face* Sometimes I find adult shed-skin in my rock garden area; are they merely using me as a changing room?

A few weeks ago I was slaving in the kitchen, I merely glanced through the glass doors and I saw a black snake (black racer-not lethal, but still a snake) coming under the screen door up towards my new rock area; I had planned on working/gardening in there the next day, so I did NOT want him lurking in there and surprising me. I decided to be proactive, I would shoo him back the way he came before he got in too far.

Y’all, this was a stubborn snake. See video evidence, I wasn’t trying to STONE him, I just wanted him to depart the way he entered.

{As I was editing this, it’s come to my attention that I talk to snakes, cows, dogs, caterpillars and butterflies. Just when IS the intervention planned?}

He wasn’t afraid of rocks or a sweet talking woman, so I got a broom, my snake removing tool of choice and he charged at it. I got the hose, sprayed him and he charged at it. I got the pool noodles, tossed them in his direction, he charged them and now he was pissed, so he hissed.

Then I looked more closely, do I know this snake? Is he the one I found fornicating on my porch a few weeks ago?

We did this noodle/hose/broom dance for 45 minutes. He’s not moved an inch back the way he came.

I kinda felt bad for him, because I’d about drowned him with the hose, but I was also annoyed at his stubbornness. Finally, I said: FINE, it’s YOUR lanai, I’m selling the place and starting over!

*crickets*

I left both screen doors ajar and hoped he would move on.

—-Cut to this week—-

I had been working in the yard and I was a hawt mess. I said to myself: Suz, put on your bathing suit, cool off in the pool and get some exercise too.

I love it when I give myself advice and I actually take it.

Dig if you will the picture: (Prince!) I’m in the pool doing my water aerobics, pool jogging, treading water, solo synchonized swimming, what.are.you.doing.Suz and for second I closed my eyes, was in deep thought when I felt something touch my leg.

THE HELL?

I opened my eyes to see something black below me, I shrieked, panicked and started to move towards the steps and my phone so I could call 911. This deems as an emergency, right? Wait, is a social worker equipped for this?

Anyhoo….it took a minute for me to figure out, it wasn’t a snake after all.

The fake snake was actually my sunglasses that had fallen off my ball cap, tapped my leg and then landed on the pool floor.

To quote the Kinks: PARANOIA< DEEP<DESTROYA

Were you freaking out that I might have been attacked by an anaconda? I almost soiled my bikini bottom over a pair of costa del mars.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll continue to say it: I exhaust myself and crack myself up at the same time; I’m all the entertainment I need.