This, That & The Other Thing. The Video/TV Edition; Now With More Blonde Moments.

I’m still blown away with the viral video of the guy who became famous for drinking Cranberry juice while catching a ride behind a truck on his skateboard; was it a phenomenal video? No. Did you know he did this because his vehicle broke down and he was hitching a ride and decided to tik Tok himself? When I was a kid, you weren’t supposed to tik tok yourself; it was frowned upon.

Isn’t it silly how our world is now? You do one thing, be it funny, good, bad or otherwise and you can become famous. I’d rather not be famous; think of the things you can’t get away with. But this silly video brought new life into the Fleetwood Mac Song too; so I suppose that is a positive.

Cash me outside boo.


The Coach and I watched Hillbilly Elegy on Netflix this past weekend. It was really good; a true story of a rural family struggling with drug use. Glenn Close? THE Transformation. It’s kind of sad family tale, that tugs at my soft heart, but spoiler alert, there is a semi-happy ending. Hey, if you’re knee deep in Hallmark movies, this will be a departure.


You know that song Is This Love by Bob Marley? It’s one of my favorites and it plays quite a bit on my John Mayer Pandora station that I listen to all.the.time. One line always perplexed me though and forgive me, but I often have these blonde moments.

Wanna love you and treat you right
I wanna love you
Every day and every night
We’ll be together
With a roof right over our heads
We’ll share the shelter
Of my single bed
We’ll share the same room, yeah


For Jah provide the breadIs this love, is this love, is this love, is this love that I’m feelin’?
Is this love, is this love, is this love, is this love that I’m feelin’?

OF MY SINGLE BED. For the longest time I couldn’t figure out why he would add in what size bed he was sleeping on? Was he proud that he couldn’t afford or have room for a queen bed, much less a king size? What grown man sleeps on a single/twin sized bed? And then one day, a lightbulb went off and I realized he just meant the one bed. ONE BED SUZANNE!

HA! Seriously, this is almost as bad as when I thought Justin Timberlakes song: “SexyBack” meant someones actual BACK; like they’ve been working out ridding themselves of back fat. *slaps hand to forehead after I realized what he meant* Stella getting her groove back, etc…

Pic borrowed from here

I never said it was easy being me….you’d be exhausted too!

Please, tell me your best screwed up song lyrics!

Make it a good day.

XOXO

Cauliflower & Blonde Moment #249

I’m having a really busy week. I’m not a fan of busy anymore; should I change my nickname to Doesn’t Want To Be Busy Bee?

The Cauliflower Nip

I had to take Callie to the vet for a growth. We noticed this growth near her nipple a while ago, but over the last month or so, it grew at warp speed. Wait, is it a teet? Or a Nipple? Hmmmmm. Don’t you hate it when one nipple decides to just GROW and GROW and try to outshine the others? It wasn’t hurting her, but I was worried the darn thing would get caught on something, you know, like a car door.

She is the sweetest roughed up, extra large nipple, half an ear, 4 teeth cow herding dog that we’ve ever had.

Callie is not a fan of the vet or riding in the car for that matter; it’s all pretty traumatic for my cow dog. We had to wait an HOUR for the Dr because there was an emergency. Frustrating for my cow dog and even though I tried to explain to her that another puppy was very sick and needed to take more of the Dr’s time first, she wasn’t falling for my stupid story.

The xl nipple in question.

Suzanne however, was becoming ravenous. I have this thing where I’m not hungry and then the next moment, I’m STARVED, I can’t focus properly, I become irrational and crabby and then I get a ‘hungry headache’. It’s fun, really.

I started to think about what I wanted to eat and I said to myself, I’d push someone down for a salad right now. Of course, not Callie, I’d not push her down, but I would push down a human.

The Blonde Food Moment

I then remembered that there was a Panera bread in the vicinity of the vets office. Being an efficient and hangry person I went onto my Panera app and ordered a Greek Salad with grilled chicken (no olives because gag and no cheese because effing cholesterol) Generally if I order from Panera I choose the Rapid Pickup; this is where they prepare your food, then leave it on a shelf with your name on it near the entrance. But since I had my cow dog with me, I chose the option where they’ll bring it out to my car. I had my order in the app and I didn’t hit SEND until I knew we were about to depart.

Internally I was thanking baby Jesus because I knew that soon I will have nourishment… because I’m starting to spiral and I said to myself that I could eat raw cauliflower right now even after looking at Callies large lumpy nipple.

Turns out, I had to leave Callie at the vet so they could give her a calming drug to chill her out before they did local anesthetic to numb the area and cut the XL nip off. I hated to leave her, but it was better than taking her back home for a few hours and then back in the car for the nipple removal. Plus all I could really think about now was my next feeding.

Have I typed nipple enough to get myself kicked off the internet?

So, I said my goodbyes and drove the 18 seconds to Panera to pick up my delicious, but non cheese salad. I park in the designated spot and clicked on my app I’M HERE.

And then I wait.

And wait.

I’m checking emails. Playing words with friends. Cussing about the slow ass Panera employees.

I wait.

I wait.

Now, the hunger headache has hit my head full-on and I’m really cussing these sorry ass slow people and why didn’t I just do the rapid pick up, I could have been almost home now with my salad and my head hurts!

I wait.

I wait and cuss.

I go back into the app.

Oh snap, Suzanne, you idiot!

You know, don’t you.

I’m a sorry ass app reader.

I ordered my food from a Panera 25 minutes away.

Damn it. I shouldn’t do important things like order food when I’m hungry. Which is ironic.

I had to walk my sorry self into Panera and order another salad. So, being hungry and dumb cost me an extra $12.00 yesterday.

Callie was able to come home later in the day; a bit loopy, but she lost some weight with that nipple removal.

Snakes on a plane? How about snakes in my pool?

Hi, my name is Suzanne and I live in Florida; aka the snake and alligator state.

We have plenty of snakes on our property. I’m ok with that as long as they keep their distance. Do they always comply? No, because they are rebels. I’m surprised by a snake at least once a day when I’m outside and judging by my flip flop tan, I’m outside a LOT. But you know what I realized, my outside is THEIR home. So, suck it up, buttercup.

One horrible time, a snake was confused and came INSIDE.THE.DAMN.HOUSE. I found him (a corn snake,not lethal, but still a snake)in our theater/billiard room. I went in for a bottle of wine and nearly shat myself. He was curled up under our wine rack and sadly Coach was out of town. It took some time, but I was able to coax him out with a broom and a few choice cuss words.

We frequently get snakes in our pool lanai area. I don’t know why they want to come in there except for the fact that it does look like an oasis. Sometimes I find babies in the pool skimmer. *sad face* Sometimes I find adult shed-skin in my rock garden area; are they merely using me as a changing room?

A few weeks ago I was slaving in the kitchen, I merely glanced through the glass doors and I saw a black snake (black racer-not lethal, but still a snake) coming under the screen door up towards my new rock area; I had planned on working/gardening in there the next day, so I did NOT want him lurking in there and surprising me. I decided to be proactive, I would shoo him back the way he came before he got in too far.

Y’all, this was a stubborn snake. See video evidence, I wasn’t trying to STONE him, I just wanted him to depart the way he entered.

{As I was editing this, it’s come to my attention that I talk to snakes, cows, dogs, caterpillars and butterflies. Just when IS the intervention planned?}

He wasn’t afraid of rocks or a sweet talking woman, so I got a broom, my snake removing tool of choice and he charged at it. I got the hose, sprayed him and he charged at it. I got the pool noodles, tossed them in his direction, he charged them and now he was pissed, so he hissed.

Then I looked more closely, do I know this snake? Is he the one I found fornicating on my porch a few weeks ago?

We did this noodle/hose/broom dance for 45 minutes. He’s not moved an inch back the way he came.

I kinda felt bad for him, because I’d about drowned him with the hose, but I was also annoyed at his stubbornness. Finally, I said: FINE, it’s YOUR lanai, I’m selling the place and starting over!

*crickets*

I left both screen doors ajar and hoped he would move on.

—-Cut to this week—-

I had been working in the yard and I was a hawt mess. I said to myself: Suz, put on your bathing suit, cool off in the pool and get some exercise too.

I love it when I give myself advice and I actually take it.

Dig if you will the picture: (Prince!) I’m in the pool doing my water aerobics, pool jogging, treading water, solo synchonized swimming, what.are.you.doing.Suz and for second I closed my eyes, was in deep thought when I felt something touch my leg.

THE HELL?

I opened my eyes to see something black below me, I shrieked, panicked and started to move towards the steps and my phone so I could call 911. This deems as an emergency, right? Wait, is a social worker equipped for this?

Anyhoo….it took a minute for me to figure out, it wasn’t a snake after all.

The fake snake was actually my sunglasses that had fallen off my ball cap, tapped my leg and then landed on the pool floor.

To quote the Kinks: PARANOIA< DEEP<DESTROYA

Were you freaking out that I might have been attacked by an anaconda? I almost soiled my bikini bottom over a pair of costa del mars.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll continue to say it: I exhaust myself and crack myself up at the same time; I’m all the entertainment I need.