The Masks Are Messing With My Eyesight and It’s Probably Time To Talk About Teeth Again, Right?

I was in the grocery store recently when it dawned on me: I do not see well while wearing a mask.

Surprisingly, I wasn’t wearing this type of mask although, I remember that feeling clearly.

I was wearing This type of mask. Just like the rest of you.

{Don’t even act surprised by the butterflies}

Something about it messes with my peripheral vision and I always think someone is coming up behind or next to me. I feel completely paranoid and partially blind. And if I’m wearing a ball cap? Forgettaboutit. I’m running into things. If I had to wear glasses as well, I might as well get a Guide Dog to assist me.


GIVE ME ALL THE GUM

I’m finally done with my Invisalign treatment. I started this teeth straightening journey last January. I pick up my retainer next week and I pray that I don’t leave it wrapped up in a napkin at TGI Fridays and then have to beg the staff to let me dig through the garbage for it. If that hasn’t happened to you or your kids, you’re missing out on a nice bonding experience.

I believe I shared with you the reason for my Invisalign; not so much for the straightening/vanity part, but for the gap that was growing between my back molars and food being stuck in there constantly. Did you know your teeth keep moving as you age? Add that to growing ears and noses: JOY! So, no more gappage to attract chicken or lettuce and also, straight teeth. But, my dentist did the old bait and switch thing…he didn’t tell me until I was DONE that I will have to wear a retainer for the REST OF MY LIFE (at night) or my teeth will move again. He’s so sneaky and now wealthier thanks to me.

What am I most excited about other than not getting stuff stuck between my teeth?

CHEWING GUM, she screams!

I’m a gum chewing addict and I’ve not been able to chew gum for an entire year. There must be some sort of reward for curbing my addiction for so long. Where is my hand engraved plaque?

Valentines Day Idea; you’re welcome.

Do you remember when I posted about finding a box of baby teeth? It was in July and you’ve not had anything else exciting happen, so you must remember.

I saw this craft project recently and I thought DAMN, why didn’t I think of this?

Did I just hear someone throw up in their mouth? Wait, that was me.

Anyhoo, who the hell are we sharing the planet with? Freaking weirdos, that’s who. I’m not even kidding when I tell you that there are tons of Etsy stores wanting to make pretty weird things out of your teeth. Those crafters are probably hanging out behind Dentist offices like junkies asking, “hey, you got any incisors today? how about a canine? C’mon man, I jussstttt need one!”

Can you even imagine? Earrings? Pinkie Rings? How about a belly button ring with your Dad’s molar? A statement necklace? oh, yeah, THAT IS A STATEMENT and the statement is you’re a loon, stay away.

*Phew* *Deep breaths Suzanne, deep breaths* Goodness. I’m all riled up like I downed a Mountain Dew.

Happy Friday. We made it another week and the planet has not imploded upon itself which I thought for sure might happen.

Anyone else feel blinded by their mask? Any plans this weekend? And might those plans include flossing and brushing your pearly whites?

Bee well my friends.

XOXO

The one where I might be lazy, but not gassy.

I had to run a few errands yesterday, and when I got home I stopped to pick up a few amazon boxes left by our gate. Hmmmm…..do you also order things and forget what you ordered? It’s like Christmas for me every couple of weeks.

Anyhoo, I brought them in the house with some other stuff out of my car and sat the boxes on the mudroom counter. I then went about my normal stuff; stripping out of my hot clothes, (when the heat index is 108*, all clothes are hot clothes) getting some water, giving Callie her afternoon cookie, feeding some caterpillars, etc…. I finally sat down at the kitchen island where my laptop was resting so I could send some emails. I looked over at the Amazon boxes and thought: I should open those, but the mudroom counter is about 12 feet from where my butt was now residing.

Instead, I went into my Amazon account and saw what was delivered. I can’t believe I admitted that to the world. I was kinda shocked at myself, but now I know what’s in those boxes without getting up. So, lazy? Or genius?


I will not name names, but just know that it wasn’t ME who said this. Recently *someone* told me that they’ve been having bouts of farting and they smell like blackberries and hot garbage. I can’t make that up…blackberries and hot garbage.

I make a smoothie each morning. (I call it my joint smoothie, not because of pot, but because the ingredients are made for my aging joints)

I add a few pieces of mixed frozen fruit for flavor, and usually a blackberry will make it’s way in there and then I’m scared I’m going to be blowing out that interesting combination. IT was NOT ME that said I’d been having issues like that. I.swear.to.babyJesus. And fear not, the outcome has not happened, BUT, I can’t see a blackberry and not think of it.

Please note, that I DID get up and walk the 6 feet to the refrigerator to snap a pic of my frozen non-farting fruit. NOT. SO.LAZY for the win.


I’m still getting flowers delivered every two weeks and these might be my favorite so far; so summery. Do you blog? Do you share photos? I will bet you an egg salad sammich (gas inducing!) that a comment will come through that just acknowledges the flowers. I don’t think ALL people like to read words, but really do enjoy looking at pretty pictures.

I don’t really care that much, but I find it funny. One day, I’ll make a post about death and destruction, but add in lots of pretty pictures. *giggle giggle* That makes me laugh just thinking about it. Thank goodness I’ve not lost my sense of humor in all the hellfire.

Wishing you all a nice weekend doing something that isn’t gas inducing. Unless, that’s your jam. Who am I to judge?

XOXO

Good FOR you Rapunzul

We finally have internet at our house. Is it 1997? Turns out we were hit by lightning; that’s the 2nd time this year and possibly the 367th since 1997.


In a recent conversation with Linds I said in an applausable tone Good for you. I really meant it and I then I got to thinking, you can say it one way and it sounds nice, but if you change your tone, it sounds so sassy. So, I got all squirrely and said GOOD for YOU.

I don’t always put monsters on my blog, but when I do it’s him.

I finished the conversation, but kept telling myself throughout the day GOOD FOR YOU in my sassy ass tone.

I might be nuts.


Honestly, I had nothing to blog about today.

Not.a.damn.thing.

Then I remembered possibly the most important thing ever:

MY HAIR

I see my stylist religiously. No, not just on Sundays, but every six weeks we would visit and I’d have highlights and a trim.

I was due for that 7 weeks ago. So…..back to me doing math which is my least favorite thing ever. 7+6=13.

It’s been 13 weeks since my tendrils have been attended to. Salons opened a while ago, but my Liz doesn’t have anyone to watch her kids now that school and summer camp are cancelled.

Ma hairs are so long….

Ok, maybe not really long, but long for how I’ve been keeping it lately. And darker too.

Notice how I didn’t offer myself up to watch her kids. I’m nice, but not a maniac.

She offered to come to my house and I thought I would do that when I felt it necessary. But, I think I’m ok.

Am I ok?

I’ll see my girls on Sunday and get their opinion on the matter. They’ll tell me the truth. But it’s been kind of nice being (semi) low(ish)maintenance. Well, I’m still getting my nails did, because I’m not an animal.

I was so pleased to realize that I put on lipstick just before heading to the dentist where I had to wipe it all of. Wasted, yet again. .

And while I’m on the subject of the most important thing, I found out this past year that I have some gray hairs. I was so surprised to see them finally show up. It was like being 15 again and waiting for my period to come so I can suffer like the rest of my friends. I’m not so worried about them because I’m hoping they will have a coarser texture and it might look like I have SOME actual adult hairs on my head instead of toddler hair.

Also, won’t I be more distinguished? Is that how it works?

Anyhoo. For someone who doesn’t always have something to blog about I sure can fill a page.

*takes a bow* Wait, did someone just shout GOOD FOR YOU in the back row?

Happy Father’s Day to all you Dads, stepdads, Moms who are the Dads, Fur dads and doo-dads too.

What are y’all up to this weekend? Flying to Vegas or a weekend on the Riviera? Or are you cleaning your much too-used face masks.

*sigh* One day, this will hopefully be a distant memory.

XOXO